Harold: ...The universe tends to unfold as it should.
Kumar: What is that? Some fortune cookie?

Mike Damone: I mean don't just walk in. You move across the room. And you don't talk to her. You use your face. You use your body. You use everything. That's what I do. I mean I just send out this vibe and I have personally found that women do respond. I mean, something happens.
Mark Ratner: Well, naturally something happens. I mean, you put the vibe out to 30 million chicks, something is gonna happen.
Mike Damone: That's the idea, Rat. That's the attitude.

Clark: I think you're all fucked in the head. We're ten hours from the fucking fun park and you want to bail out. Well I'll tell you something. This is no longer a vacation. It's a quest. It's a quest for fun. You're gonna have fun, and I'm gonna have fun... We're all gonna have so much fucking fun we're gonna need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles! You'll be whistling 'Zip-A-Dee Doo-Dah' out of your assholes! I must be crazy! I'm on a pilgrimage to see a moose. Praise Marty Moose! Holy Shit!
Rusty Griswold: [Grabs Clark's shoulder] Dad, you want an aspirin?
Clark: Don't touch!

I wouldn't mind being married to you... would you mind being married to me?

Mr. Big

Peter La Fleur: [after Patches hits Justin in the face with a wrench] Yeah, uh, Patches... are you sure that this is completely necessary?
Patches O'Houlihan: Necessary? Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine?
Peter La Fleur: Probably not.
Patches O'Houlihan: No, but I do it anyway because it's sterile and I like the taste.
Peter La Fleur: ...Okay.

Mikey: Let's...
Andy: -get out of...
Richard 'Data' Wang: -here!
Stef: Like now!

He turned the gun sideways! That's a kill shot!

Phil Foster

[Telling everybody that Royal doesn't have cancer] I know what stomach cancer looks like. I've seen it, and you don't eat three cheeseburgers a day with french fries when you got it.

Henry Sherman

Here you've been in therapy, you know, thinking you blew it with the greatest girl ever, and really it turns out that getting your dick stuck in your zipper was the best thing that ever happened to you.


I am the master of the C.L.I.T. Remember this fucking face. Whenever you see C.L.I.T., you'll see this fucking face. I make that shit work. It does whatever the fuck I tell it to. No one rules the C.L.I.T like me. Not this little fuck.


Julius Benedict: My name is Julius and I am your twin brother.
Vincent Benedict: Oh, obviously! The moment I sat down I thought I was looking into a mirror.

This place is awesome, now I can finally get hepatitis.


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