You're my assistant. You're supposed to back me up and go get me juiceboxes whenever I want. Now go get me a juicebox!

Phil Weston

What is it called when you almost win? Oh yeah yeah yeah...losing.

Buck Weston

Hey, look who's here. Two of my favorite people, and Phil.

Buck Weston

For those who live between Broadway and Grandville, between the ages of 11 and 12 who are free on Sundays and Tuesdays, this is the big leagues.

Buck Weston

Jack Wyatt: How would you like to be on a television show?
Isabel Bigelow: An actress?
Jack Wyatt: Yeah, if *I* can act, *you* can act.
Book Soup Cafe Waitress: Amen.
Jack Wyatt: [to girl] You know what? I think those people over there just finished their plate of *hummus*.

Isabel Bigelow: Guess what? I'm a witch!
Jack Wyatt: Guess what? I'm a Clippers fan!

Do you want the long version or the short version? And I have to warn you, the long version is in Aramaic.

Uncle Arthur

Jack Wyatt: [takes a drink of something Uncle Arthur has just made in the blender] This tastes awful!
Uncle Arthur: I know. I just like to blend.

Ritchie: Will you stop it? You're being the mayor of Pussytown!
Jack Wyatt: I don't want to be the mayor of Pussytown!
Ritchie: I want you to get out there and be the sheriff of Ballsville!

When my first husband left me I was so angry I wanted to cut his brake cables... but instead we ended up having sex on the elliptical machine.

Maria Kelly

Jack Wyatt: I'm going to be killed by a fictional character!
Uncle Arthur: Yes, you are.

Ritchie: That's it. You're fired.
Isabel Bigelow: Doesn't matter... I quit! Yeah, so you better call my agent.
Jim Fields: You don't have an agent.
Isabel Bigelow: Then call my cable man!

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