Ritchie: That's it. You're fired.
Isabel Bigelow: Doesn't matter... I quit! Yeah, so you better call my agent.
Jim Fields: You don't have an agent.
Isabel Bigelow: Then call my cable man!

Isabel Bigelow: [after quitting/being fired] I can't just walk back in there now.
Jack Wyatt: Once you show up in a golf cart, believe me, all is forgiven. I've done it a lot of times.

Nina: We have to make him quit. If we get naked pictures of him and pictures of farm animals, I could photoshop them.
Maria Kelly: That's an excellent idea!

Isabel Bigelow: Oh, we're going to kiss aren't we?
Jack Wyatt: I thought so. But, thanks for ruining the moment Miss Narrator.

Jack Wyatt: So, were your parents in the witch business?
Isabel Bigelow: Both of them. My mother fixed the 1986 World Series.
Stu Robison: Someone make a note of that.

Isabel Bigelow: Your life is total instant gratification, Daddy.
Nigel Bigelow: It's fantastic, isn't it?
Isabel Bigelow: No. No, it's not. Because how do you know that anyone really loves you for yourself? It's like those rich men who are never sure why women sleep with them.
Nigel Bigelow: But women sleep with them, so it's not really a problem.

We got the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast. Where did we go right?

Max Bialystock

I'm drowning here! I'm going down for the last time! I... I... I see my whole life flashing before my eyes! I see a weathered old farmhouse... With a white picket fence... I'm running through fields of alfalfa with my collie, Rex. No Rex, not on the alfalfa. And I see my mother... I see Mama, standing on the back porch... And I hear her calling out to me..."Alvin, don't forget your chores! The wood needs a-cordin' and the cows need a-milkin'! Alviiiiin! Aaaaalviiiiiiiiiiiin!"... Wait a minute. My name's not Alvin. That's not my life. Someone else's life is flashing before my eyes. What the hell is that about? I'm not a hillbilly, I grew up in the Bronx. Leo's taken everything from me... Even my past!

Max Bialystock

Shut up! I'm having a rhetorical conversation!

Max Bialystock

For once, I would love to see someone on that couch who's under eighty-five!

Max Bialystock

Today I have taken the Siegfried oath, and danced with a sailor, a cop and an extremely friendly Cherokee Indian.

Leo Bloom

Mr. Bialystock, I'm afraid you've mistaken me for someone with a spine.

Leo Bloom

FREE Movie Newsletter