Do you want the long version or the short version? And I have to warn you, the long version is in Aramaic.

Uncle Arthur

Jack Wyatt: [takes a drink of something Uncle Arthur has just made in the blender] This tastes awful!
Uncle Arthur: I know. I just like to blend.

Ritchie: Will you stop it? You're being the mayor of Pussytown!
Jack Wyatt: I don't want to be the mayor of Pussytown!
Ritchie: I want you to get out there and be the sheriff of Ballsville!

When my first husband left me I was so angry I wanted to cut his brake cables... but instead we ended up having sex on the elliptical machine.

Maria Kelly

Jack Wyatt: I'm going to be killed by a fictional character!
Uncle Arthur: Yes, you are.

Ritchie: That's it. You're fired.
Isabel Bigelow: Doesn't matter... I quit! Yeah, so you better call my agent.
Jim Fields: You don't have an agent.
Isabel Bigelow: Then call my cable man!

Isabel Bigelow: [after quitting/being fired] I can't just walk back in there now.
Jack Wyatt: Once you show up in a golf cart, believe me, all is forgiven. I've done it a lot of times.

Nina: We have to make him quit. If we get naked pictures of him and pictures of farm animals, I could photoshop them.
Maria Kelly: That's an excellent idea!

Isabel Bigelow: Oh, we're going to kiss aren't we?
Jack Wyatt: I thought so. But, thanks for ruining the moment Miss Narrator.

Jack Wyatt: So, were your parents in the witch business?
Isabel Bigelow: Both of them. My mother fixed the 1986 World Series.
Stu Robison: Someone make a note of that.

Isabel Bigelow: Your life is total instant gratification, Daddy.
Nigel Bigelow: It's fantastic, isn't it?
Isabel Bigelow: No. No, it's not. Because how do you know that anyone really loves you for yourself? It's like those rich men who are never sure why women sleep with them.
Nigel Bigelow: But women sleep with them, so it's not really a problem.

We got the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast. Where did we go right?

Max Bialystock

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