Popular Comedy Quotes
Aaron Green: If the party sucked, just say it. You don't have to lie.
Matty: You missed an awesome party.
Don't you guys go anywhere. I plan to put on a hitting display.Willie Mays Hayes
I don't read the script. The script reads me.Kirk Lazarus
Jack: [Stephanie pours Jack and Miles full glasses of sample wine] Oh, Stephanie, you bad girl.
Stephanie: I know, I need to be spanked.
Ollie: No, that's okay, I'll stay here and do the dishes. I only cooked, why shouldn't I clean?
Bart: Suit yourself. Don't wash that pan, I got a nice layer of juice built up for the pork roll, and I don't want you scrubbing it off.
Ollie: That juice is called grease, dad. It's bad for you. It clogs your arteries.
Bart: It's called juice. And it greases your father's insides so he can better swallow the shit his son feeds him twice a year, when he can be bothered to come to visit him.
That's the beauty of argument, if you argue correctly, you're never wrong.Nick Naylor
It's so beautiful!... Let's live here. [he kisses Rita] We'll rent, to start.Phil
Harry Burns: You were going to be a gymnast.
Sally Albright: A journalist.
Harry Burns: Right, that's what I said.
Angie Anderson: Fuck you Dale. I lost my virginity when I was fourteen, okay? How many women have you even slept with?
Dale Denton: Like two and a half.
Angie Anderson: Two and a half? What the fuck does that mean? Your hand doesn't count.
[Going through his extremely old mail left at his childhood home] Oh, look. An acceptance letter from Arizona State.Harry Dunne
I once saw him fart a plum... I was plum surprised.Steve "Fink" Finklestein
Raoul Duke: There's a uh, big machine in the sky, some kind of, I dunno, electric snake, coming straight at us.
Dr. Gonzo: Shoot it.
Raoul Duke: Not yet, I want to study its habits.