Dawn Campbell: Why don't you like my spots?
Marty: Honey, this look is hurting you, and it's hurting Huckabees.
Dawn Campbell: This is myself.
Marty: Then you won't speak at the benefit as yourself. That is not Huckabees.
Dawn Campbell: I am still Huckabees.
Marty: Not in that bonnet.
Dawn Campbell: It's in my eyes, Marty. It's like that story of the cave.
Marty: What in God's name is happening to you? We trusted you. We took care of you. We made you into a national icon. Pulled you out of a mall. Eh, you've been given everything by Huckabees.
Dawn Campbell: Fuck-a-bees!

Alyssa: Let me ask you something. Can men fuck each other?
Banky Edwards: What, are you asking for my permission?
Alyssa: In your estimation.
Banky Edwards: Yeah, sure.
Alyssa: So for you, to fuck means to penetrate. You're used to the more traditional definition. You, inside some girl you duped, jackhammering away, not noticing the bored look in her eyes.
Banky Edwards: Hey, I always notice the bored look in their eyes.

Glen the Desk Clerk: Hello, welcome to the International Inn. How many?
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: There's 8 of us...
Glen the Desk Clerk: 8, 8 people for a suckfest
Lieutenant Jim Dangle: No, no suckfest, were here for a convention.
Glen the Desk Clerk: I like convention too. I'm in a convention, a suckfest convention.

You better buckle up. I've had a lot to drink... just kidding. That's my humor!

Chip Douglas

You taste like a burger. I don't like you anymore.


Jake: Where's Janey?
Austin: Little Ms. Run Home To Her Daddy, ran home to her daddy.

Champ Kind: That's Jack Kind. Look at him. He's a prince.
Ron Burgundy: He's not that great.
Jack Lime: What'd you say?
Brick Tamland: [yelling] He said you're not that great!
Ron Burgundy: Brick!

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Bob Falfa: Hey man, I'm sorry if I scared ya!
John Milner: You're gonna hafta do one hell of a lot more than that to scare me!
Bob Falfa: Hey I've been lookin' all over for ya man. Didn't nobody tell ya I was lookin' for ya?
John Milner: Man, I can't keep track of all you punks runnin' 'round here backwards.
Bob Falfa: Hey you're s'posed to be the fastest thing in the Valley man, but that can't be your car. It must be your mama's car! I'm sorta' embarrassed to be this close to ya!
John Milner: Yeah, well I'm not surprised, drivin' a field car!
Bob Falfa: Field car? What's a field car?
John Milner: A field car runs through the fields, droppin' cow shit all over the place to make the lettuce grow.
Bob Falfa: Ha ha! That's pretty good! Say, I like the color of your car there, man. What's that s'posed to be? Sort of a cross between piss yella' and puke green ain't it?
John Milner: Well, you call that a paint job, but it's pretty ugly. I bet you got to sneak up on the pumps just to get a little air in your tires!
Bob Falfa: Well at least I don't have to pull over to the side just to let a funeral go by man.
John Milner: Oh ho, funny!

Lonestar: Just one more dune.
Barf: That's what you said three dunes ago.

Be seated! Ah... Many of you are wondering what's wrong with my pants, well they started running short on materials right before they got to the knees so don't give me any shit. Ah. I look out there on all you wonderful guys and I say to myself "What I wouldn't give to be 20 years younger... and a woman". You know, I've personally flown over 194 missions and I was shot down on every one. Come to think of it, I've never landed a plane in my life.

Admiral Benson

Barbara: We're very unhappy.
Juno: What did you expect? You're dead.

[quoting Benjamin Franklin] Politicians are a lot like diapers. They should be changed frequently, and for the same reason.

Tom Dobbs

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