Warning. Assholes are closer than they appear.

Ace Ventura

Phil: You ever do anything that doesn't end up in a standoff, Chow?
Mr. Chow: I'm an international criminal, it always ends like this.

Yo, bartender, Jobu needs a refill.

Eddie Harris

Ken: See Jimmy, my wife was black, and I loved her very much. And in 1976, she was murdered by a white man. So where the fuck am I supposed to stand in all this blood and carnage?
Jimmy: Did they get the guy that did it?
Ken: A friend of mine got him.
Ray: Harry Waters got him.

Seemingly, the only actresses that can survive are the ones that show their cooter and I refuse to that. Excuse me, but I have a little dignity.

Sarah Marshall

Janine Melnitz: You are so kind to take care of that man. You know, you're a real humanitarian.
Dr. Egon Spengler: I don't think he's human.

Michael: Alright. Uh, I talked to her; I got the scoop.
Cameron: What'd she say?
Michael: "Hates him with the fire of a thousand suns." That's a direct quote.
Patrick: Thanks Michael. That's very comforting of you.

Matthew: Why didn't you just tell me?
Danielle: Because I didn't want to! Because I loved the way you looked at me. You don't understand how hard...
Matthew: Wait!
Danielle: Fuck you.

Clinch: Where did you learn to shoot?
Albert: Your wife.
Edward: Oh, snap!

Barry: Rob, I'm telling you this for your own good, that's the worst fuckin' sweater I've ever seen, that's a Cosby sweater.
[Imitating Cosby]
Barry: A Cosssssssby sweater. Did Laura let you leave the house like that?

I'm a cotton-headed ninny-muggins.


Ferrari: I know I lost my virginity at prom. How about you? When did you lose your virginity?
April: When I was 10.
Ferrari: Okay, moving on...

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