Popular Comedy Quotes
Matt Saunders: Wanna get a beer?
Professor Bedlam: Sure, let's do it.
[over the phone]
Matt Saunders: What's going on there?
Vaughn Haige: Some big fire on 73rd and Broadway. Everything's burning.
Matt Saunders: Is anyone hurt?
Vaughn Haige: I don't know, probably. It's blocking my way to the gym.
Matt Saunders: All my thoughts are with you in this time of crisis.
Jenny Johnson: I gotta go to the bathroom.
Matt Saunders: You didn't just go to the bathroom?
Jenny Johnson: Are you keeping track? That's kind of creepy.
Vaughn Haige: There are 3 moments I'll remember 'til the day I die. 1: the look on my father's face when I graduated from Harvard law school. 2: Helping a beached mother whale give birth. And... 3: You and me, together, here, tonight.
Shapely Bartender: Don't speak to me again... ever.
It isn't that I'm sorry I killed them; it's that I'm sorry I killed them badly.Frank Falenczyk
Frank Falenczyk: Are you pregnant?
Laurel Pearson: No! Unless you put something in my egg-roll. And then put the egg-roll in my...
Laurel Pearson: Here's to granting others the serenity to change the things you cannot accept.
Tom: And the courage to accept large amounts of change serenely.
Frank Falenczyk: And the wisdom to know the difference.
Frank Falenczyk: You gonna run and tell mommy?
Dave: That's right, Frank. I'm going to run and tell mommy.
Frank Falenczyk: Shit.
Stef: Look, I know you think you know Frank pretty well, but there's probably a few things you're not gonna wanna hear.
Laurel Pearson: Like that he came back to Buffalo to kill Edward O'Leary so he could stop him and the rest of the Irish from getting into bed with some Chinese sugar daddy and wiping your family off the map? Oh, and he's a really big drunk.
Stef: [pauses] Wow. He's really opening up.
Frank Falenczyk: Does that mean you're my sponser?
Tom: Does that mean you're asking?
Frank Falenczyk: Is this the part where we kiss?
Dave: You ball your socks, you floss, and you don't hide booze in the toilet tank.
Dave: [pauses] You live like a Mormon.
Laurel Pearson: What are you thinking about, sitting there all serious?
Frank Falenczyk: My shortcomings.
Laurel Pearson: Women don't even pay attention to that.