Popular Comedy Quotes
Hey ump, get off your knees. You're blowing the game!Stephen King
I am angry. I mean I am spitting angry. I'm like a tornado of anger, swirling about.Phil Weston
Harry: I can't believe it.
Lloyd: Life is a fragile thing, Har. One minute you're chewin' on a burger, the next minute you're dead meat.
Harry: But he blamed me. You heard him. Those were his last words.
Lloyd: Not if you count the gurgling sound.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: I had a dream where Jesus was a dirty old bum, and I was about to sock him in the face because, well he's a dirty old bum, but then I thought, theres something special about him...
Ricky Bobby: Because it was Jesus right...
Cal Naughton, Jr.: yeah..
I'd like to be cowboys from Arizona or pimps from Oakland but it's not Halloween. Grow up; Peter Pan, Count Chocula.John Beckwith
I'm a god. I'm not THE God... I don't think.Phil
[to the Heavens] Is it too much to ask for a LITTLE PRECIPITATION?Evan Baxter
Debbie Dunham: Is that tuck and roll?
Terry Fields: Yeah!
Debbie Dunham: That's bitchin' tuck and roll! You know, I really love the feel of tuck and roll upholstery.
Terry Fields: You do?
Debbie Dunham: Yeah.
Terry Fields: Yeah? Well, get in and I'll let you feel it... I mean, you know, you can touch it... uh... I'll let you feel the upholstery.
Debbie Dunham: Okay.
Ulysses Everett McGill: It ain't the law!
Sheriff Cooley: The law? The law is a human institution.
Board Member 1: I've never heard of half of these guys and the ones I do know are way past their prime.
Charlie Donovan: Most of these guys never had a prime.
Board Member 2: This guy here is dead.
Rachel Phelps: Cross him off then.
[Linda opens the door while he is jerking off] Jeez. Doesn't anyone fucking knock any more?Brad Hamilton
Hitch: Lean in, place your hand on the small of her back, say it in her ear like a secret. But watch your hand placement, too high says, 'I just wanna be friends,' too low says, 'I just wanna grab some ass.'
Albert: [making holding gestures at different levels] Okay... Friends. Ass. Me.