Uncle Albert: Oh I love you, my wife.
Person at funeral: Sir, that isn't your wife.
Uncle Albert: Who's is it then?
Person at funeral: It is his.
Uncle Albert: Give me five minutes.

Uncle Albert: [lovingly] Your thighs look like warm cottage cheese someone threw up on the sidewalk.
Aunt Lucille Adams: And you've always had a tiny penis.
Uncle Albert: Well, what does it matter when you're in love?

Dale: What are you doing?
Brennan: I'm burying you!
Dale: My dad will wonder where I am.

I gotta wonder what a bastard I have been. That nobody was there to claim me. I mean I am not the most charming guy on the world so I've been told... but... nobody?

Hancock

Lady, I will break my foot off in your ass!

Hancock

Just never turn this cheek. Don't let them punk you.

Hancock

Drillbit Taylor: I'm Drillbit Taylor... US Army ranger, black-ops operative, decorated marksman, improvised weapons expert.
Wade: Are you still in the military?
Drillbit Taylor: I was discharged - unauthorized heroism.

Emmit: I'm not a hobbit!
Drillbit Taylor: [to Ryan] Emmit's not a hobbit, I don't think.

Drillbit Taylor: So what'd you do to provoke him?
Wade: Well he's fat, he's a dork, and I'm awesome.

Shelley: They're kicking me out?
Kappa: Maybe it's because of you're age.
Shelley: But I'm 27.
Kappa: But that's 59 in Bunny Years.

Oliver: You given any thought to who you might be voting for?
Shelley: I definitely won't listen to what Simon says, he is just so mean. I usually always agree with Paula and Randy.
Shelley: Oh, you meant the president.

Tibby: So Kostos isn't married. Why can't you just stop thinking about it and follow your heart?
Lena: Because...he broke my heart!

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