Popular Comedy Quotes
Cameron: Wow, is this what a bar looks like?
[Cameron reaches into a jar on the bar]
Michael: Don't touch anything! You may get hepatitis.
[they find Patrick; he's drinking and smoking]
Patrick: So what have ya got for me?
Cameron: A little insight into a very complicated girl.
Michael: Excuse me, uh, just one question before we start. Should you be drinking alcohol when you don't have a liver?
Patrick: [confused] What?
Michael: Nothing. Nothing.
Cameron: Alright, uh, first thing, Kat hates smokers.
[slowly removes Patrick's cigarette and throws it down]
Patrick: So, you're telling me I'm a... non-smoker.
Michael: Yes... well, just for now.
Cameron: And, um, and here's another problem. Bianca said that Kat likes... pretty guys.
Patrick: [looks confused and slowly rises] Are you telling me I'm not a pretty guy?
Michael: H-he's very pretty. He's a gorgeous guy.
[gives him two thumbs up]
Michael: You're a gorgeous guy.
Cameron: Yeah... I-I just wasn't sure. I didn't know.
[Patrick sits back down]
Cameron: Alright, uh, yeah, okay, uh, here's this... Likes: Thai food, feminist pros and angry girl music of the Indie Rock persuasion. Here's a list of CDs that she has in her room...
Patrick: So, I'm supposed to buy her some noodles and a book and sit around listening to chicks who can't play their instruments, right?
Michael: Have you eer been to Club Skunk?
Cameron: Her favorite band's playing there tomorrow night.
Patrick: I can't be seen at Club Skunk. All right?
Cameron: But she'll be there, she's got tickets.
Michael: Just assail your ears for one night.
Cameron: She has a pair of black underwear... If that helps.
Michael: [laughing cooly] Couldn't hurt, right?
Tennis Announcer 1: That's 72 unforced errors for Richie Tenenbaum. He's playing the worst tennis of his life. What's he feeling right now?
Tennis Announcer 2: I don't know, Jim. There's obviously something wrong with him. He's taken off his shoes and one of his socks and... actually, I think he's crying.
Fuck you hormones!Ben Stone
Bart: [Jim is trying to sit up from dangling on the ceiling] Need any help?
Jim: Oh, all I can get.
Ellen Griswald: We're not really violent people. This is our first gun.
Clark Griswald: No, it isn't.
Linda never came home. I know, because I waited 10 hours outside her house.Jim McAllister
Billy Zane: Hey, Derek, back on top, man.
Derek Zoolander: Thanks, Billy. You rock.
Billy Zane: No, you rock. When you gonna drop Magnum on us, buddy?
Derek Zoolander: Not yet. You gotta tame the beast before you let it out of its cage.
David Seville: [sees Theodore eating something small and brown] Woah Theodore, did you just-?
Alvin: Relax Dave, it's just a raisin.
David Seville: Prove it.
Alvin: [swipes the 'raisin' and eats it] Mmm-hmm.
David Seville: Okay.
Alvin: [he leaves]
Alvin: [quickly spits it out and points a finger at Theodore] Dude, you owe me big time!
Ronny: I am trying to fix this stuff.
Geneva: You are breaking more stuff.
[Jane climbs a ladder]
Frank: Nice beaver!
Jane: [producing a stuffed beaver] Thank you. I just had it stuffed.
I was surfing the crimson wave. I had to haul ass to the ladies'.Cher
Tommy: Richard, I'm gonna need your watch. I've got... a... plan.
Richard Hayden: Yikes.