Popular Comedy Quotes
[to Agent 99] Is that your default setting or something? Oh, today's Tuesday, I'll punch Max. Oh look, a box of kittens, I think I'll punch Max. I have this piece of bread so now I'm going to punch Max.Maxwell Smart
Stephanie: You're a virgin?
Luke Shapiro: No. Naw. I just haven't officially had sex yet.
Pissed Off Fat Guy: You know? Somebody should sue you!
Hancock: You know what? You should sue McDonalds, cuz they fucked you up!
Uncle Albert: With great power comes... ow!
Rick Riker: Great responsibility? Try to breathe!
Uncle Albert: I can't. You're kneeling on my balls!
I'm not wearing any diamonds!Rick Riker
Uncle Albert: Oh I love you, my wife.
Person at funeral: Sir, that isn't your wife.
Uncle Albert: Who's is it then?
Person at funeral: It is his.
Uncle Albert: Give me five minutes.
Uncle Albert: [lovingly] Your thighs look like warm cottage cheese someone threw up on the sidewalk.
Aunt Lucille Adams: And you've always had a tiny penis.
Uncle Albert: Well, what does it matter when you're in love?
Dale: What are you doing?
Brennan: I'm burying you!
Dale: My dad will wonder where I am.
I gotta wonder what a bastard I have been. That nobody was there to claim me. I mean I am not the most charming guy on the world so I've been told... but... nobody?Hancock
Lady, I will break my foot off in your ass!Hancock
Just never turn this cheek. Don't let them punk you.Hancock
Drillbit Taylor: I'm Drillbit Taylor... US Army ranger, black-ops operative, decorated marksman, improvised weapons expert.
Wade: Are you still in the military?
Drillbit Taylor: I was discharged - unauthorized heroism.