Schmidt: Hey, listen! There's a grenade in my shorts!
Jenko: Is that it?
Schmidt: That's my dick!
Jenko: What about that?
Schmidt: That's my dick also!!

Bartleby Gaines: Uh, Dean Lewis why don't you tell them a little bit about the philosophy here at south Harmon?
Uncle Ben: Look, we throw a lot of fancy words in front of these kids in order to attract them to going to school in the belief that their gonna have a better life, and we know that all were doing is breeding a whole new generation of buyers and sellers, BUYERS AND SELLERS! Pimps and whores, PIMPS AND WHORES! and indoctrinating them into a life long hell of debt and indecision!
Jack Gaines: I... I,I, I just don't understand...
Uncle Ben: DO I HAVE TO SPOON FEED IT TO YA? look, there's only one reason that kids want to go to school...
Bartleby Gaines: Holy Shit...
Jack Gaines: ...Which is?
Uncle Ben: ...To get a good job... To get a good job, with a great starting salary.
Jack Gaines: Couldn't agree more.
Diane Gaines: So refreshing to have somebody approach education so rationally!
Uncle Ben: Fuckin A'!

Miranda Priestly: [to Andy] Emily? Emily!
Nigel: [to Andy] She means you.

You can't come back with a comeback after eight seconds. You got three seconds. Five, tops. It's called a quip, not a sloooowwwwp.


[to Anna] Excuse me if I say that I don't think I'm the best person to offer objective advice on this particular confession.

Father Brian Finn

Marlin: Dory, don't bounce on the tops! They will... not sting you. The tops don't sting you! That's it!
Dory: Two in a row. Beat that.
Marlin: Dory, listen to me. We're going to play a game.
Dory: A game?
Marlin: Yeah, a game.
Dory: I love games! Pick me!
Marlin: We're gonna race. First one out of the jellyfish wins.
Dory: Out, got it!
Marlin: Rules, rules! You can't touch the tentacles, only the tops...
Dory: Something about tentacles, got it.
Marlin: No, it's not something about them, it's all about them.
Dory: On your mark, get set, go!
Marlin: Wait, Dory!

You blow it tonight, girl, and it's keggers with kids all next year.

Heather Chandler

Malik: What are you doing here?
Other black guy at party: What do you mean?
Malik: I am supposed to be the only black guy at this party.
Other black guy at party: Oh, damn. Shit.
Malik: I know, I know.
Other black guy at party, Malik: [Together] It's whack.

Harry: Nice set of hooters you got there!
Mary: I beg your pardon?
Harry: The owls! They're beautiful!

Randal Graves: You're in the bestiality business.
Sexy Stud: Hey. Fucko. We like to call it inter-species erotica.
Randal Graves: Intriguing.

Susan: I want to spend the night with you.
Josh: Do you mean sleep over?
Susan: Well... yeah.
Josh: Well, okay... but I get to be on top.

Oop... I almost forgot. I won't be able to make it fellas. Veronica and I trying this new fad called uh, jogging. I believe it's jogging or yogging. it might be a soft j. I'm not sure but apparently you just run for an extended period of time. It's supposed to be wild.

Ron Burgundy

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