Popular Comedy Quotes
Darren: I don't think I'm gonna be real comfortable with these things on my nipples.
Wayne: I can put 'em on your balls.
Darren: The nipples are fine. Nipples work.
[to Wayne] There is no right girl for you! And if you've already met her, she's probably either killed herself, or become a lesbian.Judith
Judith: I don't want your shitty old house or your dead grandmother.
Wayne: I'll throw J.D. in. He doesn't look like much but girls call him the human power drill.
J.D.: It's true!
J.D.: [bringing a box of videos to Judith] Hey, I brought you some more videos. You've got your choice: porno's or monster trucks. Oh, and I got one that's both.
KG: Gimme a powerslide. Full throttle.
[Hissing while performing a horrible powerslide]
KG: How did that feel?
JB: Really good. How did it look?
KG: Amazing... ly bad.
JB: What's it gonna be Kyle? You have to decide... Tits... or Destiny.
KG: [Lifting up his shirt] Tits.
[opening lyrics] A long ass fucking time ago, in a town called Kickapoo, there lived a humble family religious through and through. But yay, there was a black sheep, And he knew just what to do. His name was young JB and he refused to step in line. A vision he did see of fucking rocking all the time. He wrote a tasty jam and all the planets did align.JB
Girl #2: Excuse me, are you gonna charge us for all the refills?
Truck Stop Waitress: [sarcastically] No, you're so pretty you'll get everything for free.
KG: That's a pretty good deal.
JB: I've had this birth mark since I was born!
KG: I have ass-mark too!
JB: Do not make a sound unless it's a masterpiece. Not a fuckin' sound.
KG: [farts] Thought I felt something.
JB: Let's hear that back.
KG: Go score me a dime-bag.
JB: A what?
KG: Ten dollars worth a *weed*. Now Listen: Go down to Wake & Bake Pizza, ask for Jojo. Tell him you want the Bob Marley Extra Crispy. He'll know what you're talkin' about.
JB: All right dude, roger that. One Extra Crispy comin' up!
[hangs up phone]
Lee: [after the first show] That was amazing, you guys changed people's lives tonight.
KG: I know, it was so awesome dude.
JB: Yeah, it was awesome, compared to bullshit!