Popular Comedy Quotes
Hey, you got anything better to read? I gotta go fire off a missile.Mauricio
[Hal is going to make his move on some unattractive girls]
Hal: I'm going for the one in the middle. You can have your pick of the other two.
Mauricio: So you get the hyena, and I have to choose between the hippo and the giraffe?
You can't come back with a comeback after eight seconds. You got three seconds. Five, tops. It's called a quip, not a sloooowwwwp.Mauricio
[after Mauricio broke Hal's spell]
Hal: Okay, who do you think is the most beautiful woman in the world?
Mauricio: Wonder Woman.
Hal: Okay... let's say everyone else in the world thought Wonder Woman was ugly.
Mauricio: It wouldn't matter. Because I know they'd be wrong.
Hal: See! That's what I had with Rosemary! I saw a knock out, I don't care what anybody else saw!
Mauricio: You're right. I guess I really did screw you, huh?
[after Rosemary's weight crushed a chair]
Hal: Jesus Christ! What the hell's wrong with this chair? What's this shit made out of, anyway?
Restaurant Manager: Uhh... Steel.
Rosemary: Hal, do me a favor and stop saying that I'm pretty and that I'm not fat, ok? Cause it makes me uncomfortable.
Hal: Umm, ok. Do you have a problem with compliments?
Rosemary: Look, I know what I am and I know what I'm not. I'm the girl who, you know, gets really good grades and who's not afraid to be funny. And I'm the girl who has a lot of friends who are boys and no boyfriends. I'm not beautiful, ok, and I never will be. And I'm fine with that. But when you go around saying I'm something that I'm not, it's just, it's just not nice.
Hal: I bet on horses sometimes, but I don't really care about the money.
Rosemary: I never read that book.
Hal: What book?
Rosemary: Things losers say.
Hal: So what do you weigh, like 110? 115?
Rosemary: [sarcastically] Which one of my butt cheeks are you talking about?
You were never there for me were you mother? You expected Mike and Carol Brady to raise me! I'm the bastard son of Claire Huxtable! I am a Lost Cunningham! I learned the facts of life from watching The Facts of Life! Oh God!Chip Douglas
You might recognize this song as performed by Jefferson Airplane, in a little rockumentary called "Gimme Shelter," about the Rolling Stones and their nightmare at Altamont. That night the Oakland chapter of the Hell's Angels had their way. Tonight, it's my turn.Chip Douglas
Rick: Look, Chip Douglas, I don't know what your story is, but I'm going to find out!
Chip Douglas: Well, don't dig to deep or you might get burnt by the molten lava!
Chip Douglas: Women are a labyrinth, my friend. Can I be frank? I don't think you listen to her. I think you tell her what she wants to hear. She wants you to thirst for knowledge about who she is, all the complicated splendor that is women. When your love is truly giving, it will come back to you ten fold.
Steven Kovacs: You're right. That's incredibly insightful.
Chip Douglas: I know. It was Jerry Springer's final thought on Friday's show.