Popular Comedy Quotes
Cake Decorator: Hey, aren't you that kid from Crocodile Tears?
Sandy Lyle: That's right. I'm Sandy Lyle.
Cake Decorator: Man I saw that movie in high school. That bagpipes scene, that was the funniest shit.
Sandy Lyle: Yeah, we had a good time on that picture. You want an autograph?
Cake Decorator: No, thanks. It's good to see you man. I thought you died like fifteen years ago.
Sandy Lyle: No. I'm very much alive, my friend.
Reuben Feffer: What did you do to her? Did you mess around with her oxygen tanks or something?
Claude: I did nothing, Luban.
Reuben Feffer: My name is not Luban! It is Reuben!
Claude: Look, look we had a scuba, we drink some white wine, we talk about life and we cannot help it. It is like love at first sight. She make like the fire in my trouser.
Reuben Feffer: You don't know what it was like for me growing up. I had a mother who made me afraid of everything!
Polly Prince: Well, big deal, Reuben, my dad had a whole second family!
Reuben Feffer: What?
Polly Prince: Yeah, on Long Island. He had a wife, and kids, and a golden retriever!
You know, they really should tell you if they're gonna just let Komodo dragons run loose around the hotel.Reuben Feffer
Roger, I used to be just like you. But look at me now, I'm awesome! I run this entire place. I'm dating TWO Asian chicks!Ian
Dr. P: There are two kinds of men in the world: those who run shit, like me, and those who eat shit, like you.
How many of you have self-help books? Okay, that's your first problem. You can't help yourself, because your *self* sucks!Dr. P
Lesher: Manila. Dr. P specifically said manila. This is off-white.
Lesher: Sorry doesn't make it manila.
Eli: [when he grabs his paintball gun] It says here that the shooter must maintain a 100-yard distance from target.
Dr. P: [shoots Eli in the chest] Anyone else wanna read their gun?
Dr. P: Every once in a while, a shepherd has to pluck a sheep from the heard and challenge him. It lets the man know he's worthy of leading him.
Roger: Well, you know what? I don't want to be a shepherd anymore!
Dr. P: You're not the shepherd, DUMB ASS, I'm the shepherd! Its called an analogy, moron!
Roger: Look, you dont understand. Everything was going so well between us.
Dr. P: Well, clearly I'm sure you're just days away from adopting a Chinese kid together.
Shut your mouth. Sh-sh-shut your mouth.Brennan Huff
I tea-bagged your drum set!Brennan Huff