Yo asshole! This motha' fucka's dead. Ain't no Chris Angel Mindfreak, David Blane trapdoor horse shit jumpin' off here!

Kirk Lazarus

I don't wanna die like Hendrix man!

Jeff Portnoy

My heart is racing like a nail!

Shelley

I didn't stay in college for nine years just to go back to my trailer in Idaho!

Carrie Mae

Can you point me to the crapper? I have to drop some timber.

Joanne

Sweet balls!

Shelley Darlingson

Hospital Nurse: [after Bertram's colonoscopy] Come back soon.
Bertram Pincus: What a terrible thing to say in a hospital.

[heading towards an ox] I need to bite its hide... and wear its stomach like a unitard.

Jeff Portnoy

Kirk Lazarus: Everybody knows you never do a full retard.
Tugg Speedman: What do you mean?
Kirk Lazarus: Check it out. Dustin Hoffman, 'Rain Man,' look retarded, act retarded, not retarded. Count toothpicks to your cards. Autistic, sure. Not retarded. You know Tom Hanks, 'Forrest Gump.' Slow, yes. Retarded, maybe. Braces on his legs. But he charmed the pants off Nixon and won a ping-pong competition. That ain't retarded. You went full retard, man. Never go full retard.

We wearin' Earth Mamma's natural night camo.

Kirk Lazarus

Kirk Lazarus: Action Jackson can't cry, that's what's going down.
Tugg Speedman: You know what Kirk, I'm ready to do the scene!
Kirk Lazarus: Now it's time to flip the script! I'm gonna have to wait till Chinese New Year for my man to cry.

Les Grossman: What you gotta do is pull down their pants and spank their ass, you spank it.
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: You spank that ass Les!

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