Popular Comedy Quotes
[while reading a letter] Dear Shelley. Oh my gosh, that's me! Wait there's more!
Shelley
Look, fuckstick, I'm incredibly busy. So why don't you get the hell out of here before I snap your dick off and jam it into your ass...
Les Grossman
Cockburn, from now on my fist is going to be so far up your shithole that every time you have a thought, it's gonna have to tiptoe past my wedding ring...
Les Grossman
Tugg Speedman: Now, let's go get those Viet Congs.
[cocks his gun]
Alpa Chino: "Viet Cong!"
Tugg Speedman: What?
Alpa Chino: It's "viet cong." There's no "s," it's already plural. You wouldn't say "Chineses..."
Jeff Portnoy: So, what's the plan, man? You gonna talk Vietnamese to those dudes?
Kirk Lazarus: No, no. Mandarin Chinese. What I can tell, it's what they're speaking down there.
Jeff Portnoy: How the hell do you know Chinese?
Kirk Lazarus: Land of Silk and Money with Gong Li. Second Globe, third Oscar. I prepped for that one by working in a Beijing textile factory for eight months.
Bertram Pincus: I was dead and now they brought me back. I can..I can..
Frank Herlihy: The dead have a lot of unfinished business, which is why we're still here.
[to Bertram about his ability to see ghosts] Everybody needs something done and you're the only person who can see or hear us.
Frank Herlihy
Oh, is this about the perfume bitch?
Mary Haines
Hospital Nurse: We brought you right back. People die all the time.
Bertram Pincus: Yeah, but it's usually just once...at the end.
Well, you've done your job, so I don't suppose I can kill your wife Zenat. Although frankly I'd be doing the sighted world a favor.
Siegfried
Larabee: I'll do it sir, I have no problem exposing myself.
Agent 99: Do you ever think before you open your mouth?
Larabee: No, I tend to just whip it out there.
Shtarker: Too bad about all the dead movie stars.
Siegfried: Yes. What will we do without their razor-sharp political advice.
