Forget about them, more fun for us! Like what you see, huh? Let's get involved!

Highway Patrolman

(Allen finds his precious missing car has been recovered)
Cop: From bodily fluids and hair samples we determined that... a bunch of old homeless dudes had an orgy in there.
Allen Gamble: Oh God.
Cop: It's called a 'soup kitchen'. ...A mama raccoon came along and gave birth on the floor, placenta blew out all over the back window there.

Jack: Fucking chick's married, man.
Miles Raymond: What?
Jack: Her husband works a night shift or something, and he comes home and catches me on the floor with my cock in his wife's ass.
Miles Raymond: Oh, Jesus Christ.

Gentlemen start your engines! It's gonna be a bumpy ride!

Neil Patrick Harris

Gimme back my hand... GIMME BACK MY HAND!


[to Joe] God don't like you... He grew you in a petri dish!


Good heavens. Are you still trying to win?

Count Rugen

Ty Webb: Guys, don't include me in this.
Al Czervik: Come on, Ty, you're an ace. Everybody knows it.
Ty Webb: I don't play golf, for money, against people.
Al Czervik: What are you, religious or something?
Ty Webb: You might say that.

Have you seen these toilets? They're GINORMOUS!


He called me a baboon, he thinks I'm his wife.

Al Czervik

Alan Shemper: When I was at camp, my favorite activity was always arts and crafts. Or, as we used to call it: arts and *farts* and crafts. We used to make drawings... cave drawings! Which is my way of saying we were cave men. I went to camp so long ago that I can remember saying "sticks and stones may break my bones" and meaning it! I went to camp so long ago that fucking Jesus Christ was my counselor! And my best friend hadn't fully evolved yet! His name was Ug and he walked on all fours! There were two epidemics when I went to camp: head lice, and the plague - the bubonic plague!

Andy: I can't tell... if it's an "A sharp" or if it's a "B flat"!
Mikey: Heh, if you hit the wrong note, we'll all "B flat!"

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