Les Grossman: No, fuckhead. Of course I could. A nutless monkey could do your job. Now, go get drunk and take credit at all the parties.
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: I wouldn't do that.
Les Grossman: I'm kidding.
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: Ah, there he is! funny. You're a funny guy.
Les Grossman: Yeah. But seriously, a nutless monkey could do your job.

Same thing happened to me when I played Neil Armstrong in Moonshot. They found me in an alley in Burbank trying to re-enter the earth's atmosphere in an old refrigerator box.

Kirk Lazarus

Byong: We have not yet received payment. Price now 100 million, or Simple Jack dies.
Les Grossman: Okay, let me get this straight. You want 100 million... oh wait, I have a better idea. How about I send you a hobo's dick cheese?

Yo asshole! This motha' fucka's dead. Ain't no Chris Angel Mindfreak, David Blane trapdoor horse shit jumpin' off here!

Kirk Lazarus

I don't wanna die like Hendrix man!

Jeff Portnoy

My heart is racing like a nail!

Shelley

I didn't stay in college for nine years just to go back to my trailer in Idaho!

Carrie Mae

Can you point me to the crapper? I have to drop some timber.

Joanne

Sweet balls!

Shelley Darlingson

Hospital Nurse: [after Bertram's colonoscopy] Come back soon.
Bertram Pincus: What a terrible thing to say in a hospital.

[heading towards an ox] I need to bite its hide... and wear its stomach like a unitard.

Jeff Portnoy

Kirk Lazarus: Everybody knows you never do a full retard.
Tugg Speedman: What do you mean?
Kirk Lazarus: Check it out. Dustin Hoffman, 'Rain Man,' look retarded, act retarded, not retarded. Count toothpicks to your cards. Autistic, sure. Not retarded. You know Tom Hanks, 'Forrest Gump.' Slow, yes. Retarded, maybe. Braces on his legs. But he charmed the pants off Nixon and won a ping-pong competition. That ain't retarded. You went full retard, man. Never go full retard.

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