[to Bertram about his ability to see ghosts] Everybody needs something done and you're the only person who can see or hear us.

Frank Herlihy

Oh, is this about the perfume bitch?

Mary Haines

Hospital Nurse: We brought you right back. People die all the time.
Bertram Pincus: Yeah, but it's usually just once...at the end.

Well, you've done your job, so I don't suppose I can kill your wife Zenat. Although frankly I'd be doing the sighted world a favor.

Siegfried

Larabee: I'll do it sir, I have no problem exposing myself.
Agent 99: Do you ever think before you open your mouth?
Larabee: No, I tend to just whip it out there.

Shtarker: Too bad about all the dead movie stars.
Siegfried: Yes. What will we do without their razor-sharp political advice.

Agent 99: I used to look like my mom.
Maxwell Smart: I used to look like two of my moms put together.

Maxwell Smart: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
The Chief: I don't know. Were you thinking, "Holy shit, holy shit, a sword fish almost went through my head"? If so, then yes.

Agent 99: Did you see anything while I was dancing?
Maxwell Smart: Just once, but I don't think you expected him to lift you that high.

Agent 99: Did I hear something?
Maxwell Smart: Yes, there were some tap dancers in the hallway.

There was a guy in the bathroom - and he was really hot!

Maxwell Smart

It's okay, 99. Big people feel pain, too.

Maxwell Smart

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