Kirk Lazarus: Action Jackson can't cry, that's what's going down.
Tugg Speedman: You know what Kirk, I'm ready to do the scene!
Kirk Lazarus: Now it's time to flip the script! I'm gonna have to wait till Chinese New Year for my man to cry.

Les Grossman: What you gotta do is pull down their pants and spank their ass, you spank it.
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: You spank that ass Les!

Alpa Chino: [watching Tugg reenact Simple Jack] Damn. And I thought the movie was bad.
Kirk Lazarus: Well to give the man credit, he has eased up on the retard a bit.

My heart is pounding like a nail!

Shelley

Natalie: Shelley knows how to meet guys, hence, we will learn how to meet guys.
Shelley: Yeah, hence!

Shelley: [puts on Natalie's glasses] God, you need to go to the eye doctor!
Natalie: I did. That's where I got my glasses.

[as she enters the hospital, about to go into labor] It feels like I'm shitting a knife!

Angie Ostrowiski

If you listen to DMX, the baby comes out goin 'Ennngghhh!

Oscar

Well, you sure are getting an early jump on your baby-proofing! Don't worry about a thing; it shouldn't be a problem for anyone over 7.

Boo-Boo Buster

I think she wants me to rub olive oil on your taint.

Kate Holbrook

You're stupid space car locked me in!

Angie Ostrowiski

[while reading a letter] Dear Shelley. Oh my gosh, that's me! Wait there's more!

Shelley

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