Popular Comedy Quotes
Wayne: So, Coach, how's your parole coming?
Coach Norton: Not good. The victim's whiny family keeps complaining
J.D.: God! What is their PROBLEM?
You were right about one thing you are a CPA, a certified public asshole!Leo Bloom
Curtis: Well, the Sister was right. You boys could use a little churching up. Slide on down to the Triple Rock, and catch Rev. Cleophus. You boys listen to what he's got to say.
Jake: Curtis, I don't want to listen to no jive-ass preacher talking to me about Heaven and Hell.
Curtis: Jake, you get wise. You get to church.
[singing, narrating] His friends would say stop whining, they've had enough of that. His friends would say stop pining, there's other girls to look at. They've tried to set him up with Tiffany and Indigo... But there's something about Mary that they don't know.... Mary, there's just something about Mary.Jonathan
Jessica (in Clive's body): Hildenburg, I'm sorry I humiliated you in front of the whole school and the visiting eighth graders, but you have no idea what it's like... to wake up every morning... and have to shave your chin.
Hildenburg: [crying] Yes, I do.
Jeremy Grey: How many times you gonna do this bullshit? Rule #32: never commit to a relative unless you're absolutely positive they have a pulse.
John Beckwith: Rule #16: give me an up-to-date family tree, that was your mistake, you just made me look like an idiot.
Jeremy Grey: Rule #76: No excuses. Play like a champion!
Matilda: I became...
Derek Zoolander: You can read minds?
Carl Peterson: And this whole Lance Armstrong thing...
Dupree: You leave Lance out of this! He's doing more with one testicle than you and I could do with three!
David Seville: [in the car with the chipmuncks] What?
Simon: We're talking chipmuncks, Dave. We can get out of a cat carrier. It's not even hard.
I've never sucked a dick before. I bet it sucks dick!Kumar Patel
Cab Driver: This shitty enough for ya?
Prince Akeem: Yes, this will be fine.
Did he actually refer to himself as "the talent"?Larry