Skipper: We've lost engine one.
Private: And engine two is no longer on fire.
Kowalski: [on the microphone] This is your captain speaking. I have good news and bad news. The good news is that we will be landing immediately.
[everyone claps]
Kowalski: The bad news is we're crash landing.

The name's so sexy you gotta say it twice.

Moto Moto

Danny: Can I get a large black coffee?
Barista: A what?
Danny: Large black coffee.
Barista: Do you mean a venti?
Danny: No, I mean a large.
Barista: Venti is large.
Danny: No venti is twenty. Large is large. In fact tall is large and grande is spanish for large. Venti is the only one that doesn't mean large. It's also the only one that's italian. Congratulations you're stupid in three languages.
Barista: A venti is a large coffee.
Danny: Really says who: Fellini? Do you accept lira or is it all euros now?

I bet if I asked him to play a game of Quidditch he'd cum himself.

Danny

Me and the judge have a special relationship... I don't wanna get too graphic but I sucked his dick for drugs.

Gayle Sweeny

Gayle Sweeny: Watch your language, Ronnie.
Ronnie Shields: My language is English and this mother fucker tried to grab my junk.

Gayle Sweeny: Did Wheeler ever expose himself to you?
Ronnie: Hell, no!

Wheeler: I don't have crabs! What have you been telling these kids?
Ronnie: That you have crabs.

Stop tailgatin' me ya pasty teabag! Can I make a peepee?

Kirk Lazarus

Kirk Lazarus: [Alpa reveals he is gay] It's Hollywood, man! Everyone turns gay at some point!
Alpa Chino: I'm not gay! I love tha pussy!

Kirk Lazarus: Alpa and I are already wearin' Earth Mamma's natural night camo.
Alpa Chino: Cool it, Benson!

I'm sorry! I didn't get the memo that you were in Ala-frickin'-bama!

Tibby

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