What do tigers dream of when they take a little tiger snooze? Do they dream of mauling zebras or Halle Berry in her cat woman suit.

Stu Price

Don't you worry your pretty stripped head were gonna get you back to Tyson and your cozy tiger bed. Then were gonna find our best friend Doug and then were gonna give him a best friend hug... Doug Doug, Dougie, Doug, Doug.

Stu Price

Not at the table, Jose!

Alan Garner

Alan Garner: [while picking up a friend at the school where he works] Did you have to park this close?
Doug Billings: Yeah, why?
Alan Garner: I just... I can't be here.
Doug Billings: What do you mean?
Alan Garner: I'm not supposed to be within two hundred feet of a church... or a Chuckeee Cheeze.

See you later, gay boys!

Mr. Chow

Doug: I always wondered why they were called roofies. Cause you're more likely to end up on the floor than the roof. They should call em groundies.
Alan Garner: Or rapies.

[his answering machine message] It's Phil, leave a message. Actually, you know what, don't text me. It's gay.

Phil Wenneck

Stu Price: Oh my God, I can't believe I gave away my grandmother's Holocaust ring to a complete stranger.
Alan Garner: Yeah, I didn't even know they gave out rings during the Holocaust.

To-da-loo, motherfucka!

Mr. Chow

Tigers love pepper.

Alan Garner

It would be so cool if I could breast-feed.

Alan Garner

Stu Price: You do know counting cards is illegal, right?
Alan Garner: It's not illegal, it's just frowned upon. Like masturbating in an airplane.
Phil Wenneck: I'm pretty sure that's illegal, too.

FREE Movie Newsletter