Popular Comedy Quotes
You tell anyone about this and I'll fucking kill you. I'm kidding, I'm kidding, we'll have him home by midnight.Frank
Aww, look at him, in his wee lil' boots! I mean, how many cats can wear boots? Honestly?Shrek
I'm stupid. You're smart. I was wrong. You were right. You're the best. I'm the wrost. You're very good-looking. I'm not very attractive.Happy Gilmore
Dr Ray Stantz: Symmetrical book stacking. Just like the Philadelphia mass turbulence of 1947.
Dr. Peter Venkman: You're right, no human being would stack books like this.
There was this mollusk, and he walks up to this sea cucumber. Normally, they don't talk, sea cucumbers, but in a joke everyone talks. So the sea mollusk says to the cucumber...Marlin
You don't have what they call "the social skills." That's why you never have any friends, 'cept fo' yo' mama.Mama Boucher
Mr. Zadir: Dooey, did you just grab my ass?
Dooey: Sir, from where I'm standing, that's a physical impossibilty.
Mr. Zadir: Oh, I know your tricks, Dooey!
God is a mean kid sitting on an anthill with a magnifying glass, and I'm the ant. He could fix my life in five minutes if He wanted to, but he'd rather burn off my feelers and watch me squirm.Bruce
Taggart: I got it. I got it.
Hedley Lamarr: You do?
Taggart: We'll work up a "Number 6" on 'em.
Hedley Lamarr: "Number 6"? I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that one...
Taggart: Well, that's where we go a-ridin' into town, a whampin' and whompin' every livin' thing that moves within an inch of its life. Except the women folks, of course.
Hedley Lamarr: You spare the women?
Taggart: NAW. We rape the shit out of them at the Number 6 Dance later on.
Hedley Lamarr: Marvelous.
That's my grandma's ring. She made it all the way through the holocaust with that thing. It's legit.Stu Price
That's one small step for man! One giant... I have a dream!Mike
Princess Fiona: The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.
Shrek: Uh, no.
Princess Fiona: Why not?
Shrek: I have helmet hair.
Princess Fiona: Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.
Shrek: Oh, no, you wouldn't... tst.
Princess Fiona: But... how will you kiss me?
Shrek: What? That wasn't in the job description.
Donkey: Maybe it's a perk.