Smithers... I don't believe in suicide, but if you'd like to try it, it might cheer me up to watch.

Montgomery Burns

Marge Simpson: Thanks for coming over.
Comic Book Guy: [happily] Thanks for giving me your pregnancy pants; I've never known comfort like this.

[flipping frantically through the Bible] This book doesn't have any answers!

Homer Simpson

Fuck this clown

Columbus

The fatties were the first to go.

Columbus

I could tell she knew what I was feeling, we all are orphans in Zombieland.

Columbus

[to Tallahasse] Are you some type of cock blocking robot developed in some secret fucking government lab?

Columbus

[discovers Hostess truck filled with Sno-Balls] Sno-Balls? Sno-Balls? I hate coconut! Not the flavor, but the consistency.

Tallahassee

[a zombie kills an obese man] Poor fat bastard.

Columbus

[a zombie is crushed by a falling piano] Poor flat bastard.

Columbus

Columbus: There are no penguins in the North Pole.
Tallahassee: ...You wanna see how hard I can punch?

Pretty soon life's little Twinkie gauge is gonna go empty.

Tallahassee

FREE Movie Newsletter