Popular Comedy Quotes
You have the whitest white-part-of-the-eyes I've ever seen. Do you floss?Topper Harley
Say, uh, Cousin Wash, I suppose it'd be the acme of foolishness to inquire if you had a hair net.Ulysses Everett McGill
Ken: Your girlfriend's very pretty.
Jimmy: She's ain't my girlfriend. She's a prostitute I just picked up.
Ken: I was not aware that there were any prostitutes in Bruges.
Jimmy: You just have to look in the right places... brothels are good.
Ken: Well, you've picked up a very pretty prostitute.
Jimmy: Thank you.
Fuck you hormones!Ben Stone
Hey Stan, you're in Ala-Fuckin-Bama. You come from New York. You killed a good old boy. There is no way this is not going to trial.Vinny Gambini
Foster: [Drunk] Hey, so, Ursula, what's uh, what's goin' on?
Ursula: Don't use that boyfriend voice with me.
Ew. EW. EW! It's terrible and wonderful at the same time! It's freedom in a cup!Elliot
Incredible! One of the worst performances of my career and they never doubted it for a second.Ferris Bueller
Earl Bassett: AHHH! AHHH!
Valentine McKee: What? What is it?
Earl Bassett: Damn prairie dog burrow.
Valentine McKee: Sons a bitches.
Cameron: Wow, is this what a bar looks like?
[Cameron reaches into a jar on the bar]
Michael: Don't touch anything! You may get hepatitis.
[they find Patrick; he's drinking and smoking]
Patrick: So what have ya got for me?
Cameron: A little insight into a very complicated girl.
Michael: Excuse me, uh, just one question before we start. Should you be drinking alcohol when you don't have a liver?
Patrick: [confused] What?
Michael: Nothing. Nothing.
Cameron: Alright, uh, first thing, Kat hates smokers.
[slowly removes Patrick's cigarette and throws it down]
Patrick: So, you're telling me I'm a... non-smoker.
Michael: Yes... well, just for now.
Cameron: And, um, and here's another problem. Bianca said that Kat likes... pretty guys.
Patrick: [looks confused and slowly rises] Are you telling me I'm not a pretty guy?
Michael: H-he's very pretty. He's a gorgeous guy.
[gives him two thumbs up]
Michael: You're a gorgeous guy.
Cameron: Yeah... I-I just wasn't sure. I didn't know.
[Patrick sits back down]
Cameron: Alright, uh, yeah, okay, uh, here's this... Likes: Thai food, feminist pros and angry girl music of the Indie Rock persuasion. Here's a list of CDs that she has in her room...
Patrick: So, I'm supposed to buy her some noodles and a book and sit around listening to chicks who can't play their instruments, right?
Michael: Have you eer been to Club Skunk?
Cameron: Her favorite band's playing there tomorrow night.
Patrick: I can't be seen at Club Skunk. All right?
Cameron: But she'll be there, she's got tickets.
Michael: Just assail your ears for one night.
Cameron: She has a pair of black underwear... If that helps.
Michael: [laughing cooly] Couldn't hurt, right?
[Jane climbs a ladder]
Frank: Nice beaver!
Jane: [producing a stuffed beaver] Thank you. I just had it stuffed.
Tennis Announcer 1: That's 72 unforced errors for Richie Tenenbaum. He's playing the worst tennis of his life. What's he feeling right now?
Tennis Announcer 2: I don't know, Jim. There's obviously something wrong with him. He's taken off his shoes and one of his socks and... actually, I think he's crying.