[after his neighbor changes into a zombie] The first girl I let into my life and she tries to eat me.

Columbus

I'm not great at farewells, so uh... that'll do, pig.

Tallahassee

Fuck this clown

Columbus

The fatties were the first to go.

Columbus

I could tell she knew what I was feeling, we all are orphans in Zombieland.

Columbus

[to Tallahasse] Are you some type of cock blocking robot developed in some secret fucking government lab?

Columbus

[discovers Hostess truck filled with Sno-Balls] Sno-Balls? Sno-Balls? I hate coconut! Not the flavor, but the consistency.

Tallahassee

[a zombie kills an obese man] Poor fat bastard.

Columbus

[a zombie is crushed by a falling piano] Poor flat bastard.

Columbus

Columbus: There are no penguins in the North Pole.
Tallahassee: ...You wanna see how hard I can punch?

Pretty soon life's little Twinkie gauge is gonna go empty.

Tallahassee

[Upon finding a Hummer filled with rifles] Thank god for rednecks!

Tallahassee

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