[flipping frantically through the Bible] This book doesn't have any answers!

Homer Simpson

[after his neighbor changes into a zombie] The first girl I let into my life and she tries to eat me.

Columbus

Fuck this clown

Columbus

The fatties were the first to go.

Columbus

I could tell she knew what I was feeling, we all are orphans in Zombieland.

Columbus

[to Tallahasse] Are you some type of cock blocking robot developed in some secret fucking government lab?

Columbus

[discovers Hostess truck filled with Sno-Balls] Sno-Balls? Sno-Balls? I hate coconut! Not the flavor, but the consistency.

Tallahassee

[a zombie kills an obese man] Poor fat bastard.

Columbus

[a zombie is crushed by a falling piano] Poor flat bastard.

Columbus

Columbus: There are no penguins in the North Pole.
Tallahassee: ...You wanna see how hard I can punch?

Pretty soon life's little Twinkie gauge is gonna go empty.

Tallahassee

[Upon finding a Hummer filled with rifles] Thank god for rednecks!

Tallahassee

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