Popular Comedy Quotes
[to Joe] God don't like you... He grew you in a petri dish!Madea
Gypsy, who is this woman you have shrunk?Borat
Rosemary: Hal, do me a favor and stop saying that I'm pretty and that I'm not fat, ok? Cause it makes me uncomfortable.
Hal: Umm, ok. Do you have a problem with compliments?
Rosemary: Look, I know what I am and I know what I'm not. I'm the girl who, you know, gets really good grades and who's not afraid to be funny. And I'm the girl who has a lot of friends who are boys and no boyfriends. I'm not beautiful, ok, and I never will be. And I'm fine with that. But when you go around saying I'm something that I'm not, it's just, it's just not nice.
J.T.: Hey there, little Yankee boy. Look what I got.
Vinny Gambini: What is it?
Vinny Gambini: Bring it here, let me see it.
[J.T. presents a roll of bills]
Vinny Gambini: How do I know that's not a bunch of ones with a twenty wrapped around it?
J.T.: [after short pause] It's two hundred bucks.
Vinny Gambini: Fan it out, show it to me.
[pause. J.T. stuffs the roll back in his pocket]
Vinny Gambini: Yeah, right.
Ted: Hey, you're home early!
Lori: What the hell is this?
Ted: They're hookers, so it's fine.
Catherine: Hi. I'm Catherine.
Uninterested Guy: I know. We just had sex five minutes ago
Lt. Dixon Piper: "How did you know I was wearing a bullet proof vest?"
MacGruber: "You're wearing a bullet proof vest?! Awesome!"
My pa always said "Never trust a Hogwallop!"Pete
I bought a suit. You seen it. Now it's covered in mud. This town doesn't have a one hour cleaner so I had to buy a new suit, except the only store you could buy a new suit in has got the flu. Got that? The whole store got the flu so I had to get this in a second hand store. So it's either wear the leather jacket which I know you hate, or this. So I wore this ridiculous thing for you.Vinny Gambini
I can't believe what a bunch of nerds we are. We're looking up "money laundering" in the dictionary.Peter Gibbons
[on the phone] I didn't ask for this role, but I'll play it. Now go do your best. Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid. Goethe said that. It's not too late for you to become a person of substance, Russell. Please get my son home safely. You know, I'm glad we spoke.Elaine Miller
I don't believe this! I've got a trig midterm tomorrow, and I'm being chased by Guido, the killer pimp.Miles