Popular Comedy Quotes
Jack: I might be in love with another woman.
Miles Raymond: In love? Really? 24 hours with some wine-pourer chick and you're fucking in love? Come on! And you're gonna give up everything?
Jack: Here's what I'm thinking: you and me, we move up here, we buy a vineyard. You design the wine; I'll handle the business side. You get inspired, maybe write another novel, one that can sell.
Miles Raymond: Oh, my God. No, no.
Jack: As for me, if an audition comes up, LA's right there, man. It's two hours away, not even.
Miles Raymond: Jesus Christ, you're crazy. You're crazy. You've gone crazy.
Jack: All I know is that I'm an actor. All I have is my instinct. You're asking me to go against it.
Come on, all the long distance lines are down? What about satellite? Is it snowing in space? Don't you keep open a line for emergencies or for celebrities? I'm both. I'm a celebrity in an emergency.Phil
Listen Moto Moto. You better treat this lady like a queen because you my friend, you found yourself the perfect women. If I was ever so lucky to find the perfect women I would give her flowers everyday and not just any flowers, okay? Her favorites are orchids, white, and breakfast in bed... six loaves of wheat toast with butter on both sides, no crust. The way she likes it. I'd be her shoulder to cry on and her best friend and I'd spend everyday trying to think of how to make her laugh. She has the most, most amazing laugh. Well that's what I would do if were you.Melman
[Last lines] This was not well thought out.Mayor Shelbourne
Driving Instructor: In America, a woman can choose who she has sex with.
Jerry, enjoy my wife.Fletcher
Woman: [voiceover] How do you want me?
Man: Oh, that's good. Yeah. Just, uh... just get comfortable.
Woman: I'm a little nervous.
Man: Nah, you're doing great.
Ellen Griswold: I think I broke my nose.
Rusty Griswold: I stabbed my brain.
Audrey Griswold: I just got my period.
Calm down, calm down. She likes you. She wants to suck on your penis. That's a good thing.Evan
Darren MacElroy: I'm un-adopting you.
Darren MacElroy: Well, legally I'm disowning you.
Heywood leads the league in most offensive categories, including nose hair. When this guy sneezes, he looks like a party favor.Harry Doyle
We've never made great husbands, have we? Of course, I have a good excuse. I'm half gay.Alistair Hennessey