H.I.: Do you ever get the feeling that there's something... Powerful pressing down on you?
Glen: Yes, I know that feeling... and I told Dot to lose some weight but she don't wanna listen!

Rufus: You know what the dead do with most of their time? They watch the living. Especially in the shower.
Jay: I can't wait to die.

Alien toys: You have saved our lives. We are eternally grateful.
Mr. Potato Head: Will you just leave me alone?

Lt. Frank Drebin: How are the children?
Jane Spencer: We didn't have any children.
Lt. Frank Drebin: Yes, of course.
Jane Spencer: How was your prostate operation?
Lt. Frank Drebin: Oh, good. Fine. Never been better.

Prostitute: [trying to woo Roy] I'll give you a discount.
Roy: That's the most romantic thing a woman has ever said to me.

Priest: What did you do Raymond?
Ray: Murder, father.
Priest: Why did you murder, Raymond?
Ray: For money.
Priest: You murdered for money?
Ray: Yes, father.
Priest: Who did you murder for money, Raymond?
Ray: You, father.

Smoker: Would you like to hear some of my poetry?
Thurgood Jenkins: Not really, no.
Smoker: You really should. "I have killed. I have helped kill. I have killed part of myself. I cannot change this. I... I must seek Buddha. I must seek Christ."
Thurgood Jenkins: You must seek therapy. But that's just where I would go with that.

The blue knight rules! The red knight sucks the big one! Down, down, down. Right knight goin' down. Down, down, down. Red knight goin' down.

Chip Douglas

Coach Klein: Anybody got an idea?
Derek Wallace: Hey, remember the time Bobby tackled the refferee by mistake?
Lyle Robideaux: Yeah, that was pretty funny. How 'bout the time Bobby tackled the guy from Louisville, and threw him into the stands?
Guy Grenouille: Y'all remember the time he intercepted the ball and his pants fell off, and he ran for the touchdown bare ass?
Farmer Fran: Remember the time Bobby...
Bobby Boucher: Remember the time Bobby Boucher showed up at halftime and the Mud Dogs won the Bourban Bowl?

Bless this ship, and all who sail on her. I christen thee The Flying WASP.

Mrs. Smails

Russell Hammond: And you can tell Rolling Stone magazine that my last words were... I'm on drugs!
[crowd cheers]
William Miller: Russell! I think we should work on those last words!
Russell Hammond: I got it, I got it. Last words ... I dig music.
[silence] I'm on drugs!!

Dark Helmet: What did you do? You turned it off!
Colonel Sandurz: Turned off what? I just turned off the screen.
Dark Helmet: No, you didnt! You turned off the movie!

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