Popular Comedy Quotes
Sergio Roma: I'm mind-fucking you right now.
Aaron Green: Well I hope you're dick has a condom on, because I have a dirty mind.
What you did was very spiteful, but it was also very brave and very honest and I respect you for doing that. But the content of what you said has made me hate you. So there's a layer of respect, admittedly, for your truthfulness, but it's peppered with hate. Hateful respect.Aldous Snow
Lenny Feder: Higgy!
Marcus Higgins: Hey, what's up, Lenny? Buddy, I thought you were gonna start working out.
Lenny Feder: What does that mean?
Marcus Higgins: Um... you're fat.
Lenny Feder: No!
Roxanne Chase-Feder: [an old woman approaches them] And this must be your mother.
Rob Hilliard: My wife.
Roxanne Chase-Feder: I'm sorry!
Rob Hilliard: I'm not.
[kisses his wife]
Marcus Higgins: [onlooking] Oh, grody.
Bean Lamonsoff: Mommy, I want some milk.
Sally Lamonsoff: Come here. I'll give you a little something.
[starts breastfeeding Bean]
Roxanne Chase-Feder: Your son is so cute. How old is he?
Eric Lamonsoff: 48 months.
Kurt McKenzie: [pause] That's 4.
Eric Lamonsoff: [pause] Yeah.
(Allen finds his precious missing car has been recovered)
Cop: From bodily fluids and hair samples we determined that... a bunch of old homeless dudes had an orgy in there.
Allen Gamble: Oh God.
Cop: It's called a 'soup kitchen'. ...A mama raccoon came along and gave birth on the floor, placenta blew out all over the back window there.
(with wonder) Oh look, he's flying.Allen Gamble
I'm a peacock, you've gotta let me FLY!Terry Hoitz
(Yelling at Terry Hoitz) You should have shot A-Rod!Heckler
At age 11, I audited my parents.Allen Gamble
Makes me feel like I'm going shopping for a training bra.Terry Hoitz
Like a Viagra pill with a face!P.K. Highsmith