Popular Comedy Quotes
Priest: What did you do Raymond?
Ray: Murder, father.
Priest: Why did you murder, Raymond?
Ray: For money.
Priest: You murdered for money?
Ray: Yes, father.
Priest: Who did you murder for money, Raymond?
Ray: You, father.
Smoker: Would you like to hear some of my poetry?
Thurgood Jenkins: Not really, no.
Smoker: You really should. "I have killed. I have helped kill. I have killed part of myself. I cannot change this. I... I must seek Buddha. I must seek Christ."
Thurgood Jenkins: You must seek therapy. But that's just where I would go with that.
The blue knight rules! The red knight sucks the big one! Down, down, down. Right knight goin' down. Down, down, down. Red knight goin' down.Chip Douglas
Crush: Okay. Squirt here will now give you a rundown of proper exiting technique.
Squirt: Good afternoon. We're gonna have a great jump today. Okay, first crank a hard cutback as you hit the wall. There's a screaming bottom curve, so watch out. Remember: rip it, roll it, and punch it.
Marlin: It's like he's trying to speak to me, I know it. Look, you're really cute, but I can't understand what you're saying. Say the first thing again.
Dr. Gonzo: Cows are gonna kill me. Bisexuals are gonna kill me. Let's get out of here, where's the elevator?
Raoul Duke: No, fuck! Don't go near the elevator man, that's just what they want us to do. Trap us in a steel box, take us down to the basement. Come here. Don't run, man. They'd like any excuse to shoot us.
KG: Gimme a powerslide. Full throttle.
[Hissing while performing a horrible powerslide]
KG: How did that feel?
JB: Really good. How did it look?
KG: Amazing... ly bad.
Rachel Rose: [to Brian and Anna] So how long have you two been together?
Father Brian Finn: Oh, right!
Anna Riley: Oh, we go way back.
Father Brian Finn: Yeah, we've known each other since we were kids 'cause we grew up together and we connected again a couple months back this was and we just clicked, really unexpectedly.
While you were in space, I created a way for us to make huge sums of legitimate money, and still maintain the ethics and the business practices of an evil organization. I have turned us into talent agency; the Hollywood Talent Agency.Number 2
Rachel Rose: Oh my God! The Iraqi defense minister just committed suicide!
Rabbi Jake Schram: Ooh! Is that bad or good?
Did you guys ever WATCH the show?Guy Fleegman
Tomika: [explaining why she is nervous] They'll laugh at me.
Dewey Finn: What? Why would they laugh at you?
Tomika: I dunno... because I'm fat.
Dewey Finn: Tomika... Ok, you've heard of Aretha Franklin right? She's a big lady. But when she sings, she blows people's minds! Everyone wants to party with Aretha! And, you know who else has a weight problem?
Dewey Finn: Me. But when I get up there and start doing my thing, people worship me! Because I'm sexy, and chubby, man.
Tomika: Why don't you go on a diet?
Dewey Finn: Because I like to eat! Is that such a crime?
Stinky Pete the Prospector: How long will it last, Woody? Do you really think Andy is going to take you to college, or on his honeymoon? Andy's growing up, and there's nothing you can do about it. It's your choice, Woody. You can go back, or you can stay with us and last forever. You'll be adored by children for generations.
Woody: [pets Bullseye the Horse, then suddenly decides to stay] Who am I to break up the Roundup Gang?