Listen to me, I'm gonna' tell you something. I know some sick people in my life, this guy is the craziest, wildest bastard I ever met in my life!

Eddie Palermo

Stu Price: If anything, we should get a reward.
Alan Garner: Yeah... a reward, or a trophy!

Alan Garner: What if Doug's dead? I can't afford to lose somebody close to me again, it hurts too much. I was so upset when my grandpa died.
Phil Wenneck: How'd he die?
Alan Garner: World War II.
Phil Wenneck: Died in battle?
Alan Garner: No, he was skiing in Vermont, it was just during World War II.

Doug Billings: All good with Melissa?
Stu Price: Oh, yeah. Told her we're two hours outside of wine country, and she bought it.
Phil Wenneck: Don't you think it's strange that you've been in a relationship for three years and you still have to lie about going to Vegas?
Stu Price: Yeah, I do. But trust me, it's not worth the fight.
Phil Wenneck: Oh, so you can't go to Vegas but she can fuck a bellhop on a Carnival Cruise Line?
Stu Price: Okay, first of all, he was a bartender. And she was wasted. And, if you must know, he didn't even come inside her.
Phil Wenneck: And you believe that?
Stu Price: Uh, yeah, I do believe that, because she's grossed out by semen.

I Want To Tickle Your Belly Button... From The Inside.

Nick Twisp and Francois Dillinger

Jacob: This is scientifically possible!
Nick: Tell us how it's scientifically possible, Professor Hawking.
Jacob: I will, 'cause I write Stargate fan fiction; this is my bread and butter, man!
Nick: Oh my God, I seriously almost passed out you're such a dork.

Adam: "If you don't like it, you can move back in with your mom."
Jacob: "No, I can't. Actually, she moved in her new boyfriend. I will not be anywhere near that."
Adam: "She moved in with him?"
Jacob: "Yeah, the taxidermist. The taxidermist is stuffing my mother."

"I didn't f***in' try and kill myself! If I wanted to kill myself, I'd f***in' kill myself. I'd be awesome at it. Shotgun to the dick."

Lou

Jacob: "For your information, I've had a lot of girlfriends. Hot ones."
Lou: "You have had lots of boyfriends. Gay ones."

Jacob [scoping out the ski resort]: " I'm gonna make a prediction right now: One of us is gonna start writing a novel, and then we all get snowed in, and then Lou's gonna axe-murder all of us."

"I want an escort to escort our penises into her vagina."

Lou [on phone to an escort service]

"You're never gonna believe where I'm callin' you from, man. I'm on a mountain, on my phone!"

[passing the main characters, as they begin to suspect they're in the '80s]

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