Popular Comedy Quotes
Having children, is, it's like living with little mini drug addicts. You know, they're laughing one minute, and then they're crying the next, and then they're trying to kill themselves in your bathroom for no good reason. They're very mean and selfish and they burn through your money and they break sh-.Dave
[to his parol officer] I broke down, I went and smoked with the kid that lives across the street from me.Ned
They let me go early! I won 'Most cooperative inmate' four months running.Ned
I gotta get back to work on the "tomnion." It's a cross-pollination between a tomato and an onion.Ned
Your personality gets in the way of your looks. Your very good looks.Ned
Miranda: Well, come on Liz, I mean look, I don't know, what's going on with your hair here? It's like a science experiment back there. And I know you own contacts, you know. And you're wearing plastic shoes and, I mean, what's this shirt even made of?
Liz: It's flax.
Miranda: See, isn't that a food? You're wearing food!
Cindy: Who's the man Ned?
Cindy: Yes. Say it, who's the man?
Ned: Who's the man?
Our idiot brother just ruined my freaking life!Natalie
Adam: You really think that a girl is going to go for me just 'cause I have cancer?
Kyle: For the millionth time. Yes!
If you were a casino game, you would have the best odds.Kyle
Kyle: You have cancer?
Adam: They found it yesterday.
Kyle: They found it yesterday? Who found it?
Adam: My cleaning lady found it in the back of my jeans. Who do you think found it?
Celebrities beat cancer all the time. Lance Armstrong, he keeps getting it.Kyle