Detective: "You wanna explain why you were speeding?"
Nick: "I was drag racing."
Detective: "In a Prius?"
Nick: "I don't win a lot."

Having children, is, it's like living with little mini drug addicts. You know, they're laughing one minute, and then they're crying the next, and then they're trying to kill themselves in your bathroom for no good reason. They're very mean and selfish and they burn through your money and they break sh-.

Dave

[to his parol officer] I broke down, I went and smoked with the kid that lives across the street from me.

Ned

They let me go early! I won 'Most cooperative inmate' four months running.

Ned

I gotta get back to work on the "tomnion." It's a cross-pollination between a tomato and an onion.

Ned

Your personality gets in the way of your looks. Your very good looks.

Ned

Miranda: Well, come on Liz, I mean look, I don't know, what's going on with your hair here? It's like a science experiment back there. And I know you own contacts, you know. And you're wearing plastic shoes and, I mean, what's this shirt even made of?
Liz: It's flax.
Miranda: See, isn't that a food? You're wearing food!

Cindy: Who's the man Ned?
Ned: Me.
Cindy: Yes. Say it, who's the man?
Ned: Who's the man?

Our idiot brother just ruined my freaking life!

Natalie

I like to think that if you put your trust out there, I mean if you really give people the benefit of the doubt and see their best intentions, people will rise to the occasion.

Ned

Adam: You really think that a girl is going to go for me just 'cause I have cancer?
Kyle: For the millionth time. Yes!

If you were a casino game, you would have the best odds.

Kyle

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