Popular Comedy Quotes
If you want to pick a fight with your sexual chi, it's just going to drive it inwards - and that invites disease, and death.Seth
You like my erection selection?George (to the mirror)
I'm Thomas Cub. It's my birthday today.Thomas
Costa: We'll have a whole day to fix this place up like new.
Thomas: What about this? (points to the camera) What if my parents see it?
Costa: Nobody's going to see this but us, I promise.
Jimmy Kimmel (on his show): So you know, this high school party in Pasadena -- have you seen the footage?
Party Goer: There's a midget trapped in the oven!
Thomas: What are they saying?
Kirby: I don't know. All I heard was midget and oven.
Even Wheelchair Robert got a handjob!Costa
It's on till the break of dawn!Costa
Wear something tight.Costa
The only thing you're working on is diabetes you fat (expletive).Costa
Mom, dad, it's me, Thomas. Um, where do I start? This is supposed to be a small get-together. I wanted to be cool for one night. You know, I wanted girls to notice me. Then things got a little out of control.Thomas
(Expletive) you science!Jenko
Deputy Chief Harvey: Do you even know the Miranda rights?
Jenko: It obviously starts with... you have the right to... remain an attorney...
Deputy Chief Harvey: Did you just say you have the right to be an attorney?
Schmidt: Well, you do have the right to be an attorney if you want to...