If you want to pick a fight with your sexual chi, it's just going to drive it inwards - and that invites disease, and death.

Seth

You like my erection selection?

George (to the mirror)

I'm Thomas Cub. It's my birthday today.

Thomas

Costa: We'll have a whole day to fix this place up like new.
Thomas: What about this? (points to the camera) What if my parents see it?
Costa: Nobody's going to see this but us, I promise.
Jimmy Kimmel (on his show): So you know, this high school party in Pasadena -- have you seen the footage?

Party Goer: There's a midget trapped in the oven!
Thomas: What are they saying?
Kirby: I don't know. All I heard was midget and oven.

Even Wheelchair Robert got a handjob!

Costa

It's on till the break of dawn!

Costa

Wear something tight.

Costa

The only thing you're working on is diabetes you fat (expletive).

Costa

Mom, dad, it's me, Thomas. Um, where do I start? This is supposed to be a small get-together. I wanted to be cool for one night. You know, I wanted girls to notice me. Then things got a little out of control.

Thomas

(Expletive) you science!

Jenko

Deputy Chief Harvey: Do you even know the Miranda rights?
Jenko: It obviously starts with... you have the right to... remain an attorney...
Deputy Chief Harvey: Did you just say you have the right to be an attorney?
Schmidt: Well, you do have the right to be an attorney if you want to...

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