Popular Comedy Quotes
I am one more "black gay kid getting punched in the face" away from a nervous breakdown. Do I make myself clear?Principal Dadier (to Jenko and Schmidt)
Will you go to prom with me?Schmidt (to Jenko)
Doves make you look bad-ass!Jenko
You'll never know what you can't achieve, until you don't achieve it.Mr. Gordon
Man... I thought this job would have more car chases and (expletive)...Schmidt
I really thought that was going to explode.Schmidt
Don't feed the ducks... don't do it!Jenko
Schmidt: You guys called the cops to get your Frisbee out of the pond? Is this really a police matter?
Jenko: [goes to hand Frisbee back to the boy, turns around and throws it back in the pond]
Jenko: Get your own (expletive) Frisbee!
Lloyd: The first time I set eyes on Mary Swanson, I just got that old fashioned romantic feeling where I'd do anything to bone her.
Harry: That's a special feeling, Lloyd.
Just when I thought you couldn't possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this... and totally redeem yourself!Harry
Harry: So you got fired again, eh?
Lloyd: Oh yeah. They always freak out when you leave the scene of an accident, you know?
Harry: Yeah, well, I lost my job too.
Lloyd: Man, you are one pathetic loser. No offense.
Harry: No, none taken. You know what really chaps my ass though? I spent my life savings turning my van into a dog. The alarm alone cost me two hundred.
Lloyd: Hey, chicks love it. It's a shaggin' wagon.