To Tom and Violet! (Raises a toast) One assumes that everything is going to turn out like some romantic comedy, but most engagements end up like Saving Private Ryan. Good luck. God knows you're going to need it.

Sylvia

Tom: We both know I deserve to get super laid for this.
Violet: Do you want me to wear a cape or something?
Tom: I want the show.
Violet: You get the Cirque du Soleil of shows...

It feels like I'm drinking out of Chewbacca's Dick!

Alex Eilhauer

There is no perfect cookie!

Suzie Barnes-Eilhauer

Sylvia: Any ideas when this wedding might happen? Grandparents do have a tendency to die.
Violet: Mom, they're all right there.
Sylvia: Well, for now...

This is supposed to be exciting. This is your wedding. You only get a few of these.

Suzie Barnes-Eilhauer

Rabbi: Of course, the men will wear yarmulkes...
Tom: Definitely, I'll wear mine...
Violet: Babe, you don't have a yarmulke...
Tom: I have a whole...it's in my... my Jewish drawer.

Tom: You told me that it was gonna be two years. It's sort of like when you're on a treadmill, and you tell yourself "I want to run five miles today" and now, it's forever miles...
Violet: When was the last time you were on a treadmill? Sorry...

Is there any way you could lend me some money? Maybe... 20 million dollars?

General Aladeen

I love being an American.

General Aladeen

Zoey: Could you please take your hands off my breasts?
General Aladeen: Those are breasts? I thought you were a boy.

A ruby? What am I? A Kardashian?

Megan Fox

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