Popular Comedy Quotes
You know what word I'm not comfortable with? Nuance. It's not a real word. Like gesture. Gesture's a real word. With gesture you know where you stand. But nuance? I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong.Modell
I'll hit you so hard, I'll kill your whole family.Billy
Beth: That's very mature, Fenwick.
Fenwick: Fuck mature!
The only hand on your pecker is going to be your own!Fenwick
This is why you are so nervous all the time. You have like chunks of roast beef in your heart!Modell
Edward 'Eddie' Simmons: When you're making out, which do you prefer, Sinatra or Mathis?
Robert 'Boogie' Sheftell: I like Presley.
We all know most marriages depend on a firm grasp of football trivia.Modell
when you're dating, everything is talking about sex. Where can we do it? Why can't we do it? Are you parents gonna be out so we can do it? Everything is always talkin about getting sex, and then planning the wedding, all the details. But then, when you get married... it's crazy, i dunno. You can get it whenever you want it. You wake up in the morning and she's there. You come home from work and she's there. So all that sex planning talk is over with. And so is the wedding planning talk cause you're already married. So... ya know I can come down here and we can bullshit the entire night away but I cannot hold a 5 minute conversation with Beth. I mean it's not her fault, I'm not blaming her, she's great... It's just, we got nothing to talk about... But it's good, it's goodShrevie
It's funny. You know, when I was a little kid I always wanted a brother. I told that to mom once and she said, "You have a brother". I said, "Oh, so that's who the asshole in the other bed is".Timothy Fenwick, Jr.
I went to sleepaway camp so long ago that it was the Stone Age. No, but seriously, it wasn't the Stone Age... it was the Ice Age! No, really, it was the Stone Age.Alan Shemper
McKinley: Arty, I need you to do me a favor. I need you to take a shower today.
McKinley: 'Cause your parents are coming tomorrow, and I don't want to get in trouble.
McKinley: You haven't taken a shower once this summer. Not once in 8 weeks.
Arty: I will.
McKinley: You're covered in dirt. Take a shower.
Alan Shemper: When I was at camp, my favorite activity was always arts and crafts. Or, as we used to call it: arts and *farts* and crafts. We used to make drawings... cave drawings! Which is my way of saying we were cave men. I went to camp so long ago that I can remember saying "sticks and stones may break my bones" and meaning it! I went to camp so long ago that fucking Jesus Christ was my counselor! And my best friend hadn't fully evolved yet! His name was Ug and he walked on all fours! There were two epidemics when I went to camp: head lice, and the plague - the bubonic plague!