We all know most marriages depend on a firm grasp of football trivia.

Modell

when you're dating, everything is talking about sex. Where can we do it? Why can't we do it? Are you parents gonna be out so we can do it? Everything is always talkin about getting sex, and then planning the wedding, all the details. But then, when you get married... it's crazy, i dunno. You can get it whenever you want it. You wake up in the morning and she's there. You come home from work and she's there. So all that sex planning talk is over with. And so is the wedding planning talk cause you're already married. So... ya know I can come down here and we can bullshit the entire night away but I cannot hold a 5 minute conversation with Beth. I mean it's not her fault, I'm not blaming her, she's great... It's just, we got nothing to talk about... But it's good, it's good

Shrevie

It's funny. You know, when I was a little kid I always wanted a brother. I told that to mom once and she said, "You have a brother". I said, "Oh, so that's who the asshole in the other bed is".

Timothy Fenwick, Jr.

I went to sleepaway camp so long ago that it was the Stone Age. No, but seriously, it wasn't the Stone Age... it was the Ice Age! No, really, it was the Stone Age.

Alan Shemper

McKinley: Arty, I need you to do me a favor. I need you to take a shower today.
Arty: OK.
McKinley: 'Cause your parents are coming tomorrow, and I don't want to get in trouble.
Arty: Sure.
McKinley: You haven't taken a shower once this summer. Not once in 8 weeks.
Arty: I will.
McKinley: You're covered in dirt. Take a shower.

Alan Shemper: When I was at camp, my favorite activity was always arts and crafts. Or, as we used to call it: arts and *farts* and crafts. We used to make drawings... cave drawings! Which is my way of saying we were cave men. I went to camp so long ago that I can remember saying "sticks and stones may break my bones" and meaning it! I went to camp so long ago that fucking Jesus Christ was my counselor! And my best friend hadn't fully evolved yet! His name was Ug and he walked on all fours! There were two epidemics when I went to camp: head lice, and the plague - the bubonic plague!

Gene: Now, we need to make 8 gallons of bug juice by snack hour; do you know where the powder packets are?
Gary: Yeah.
Gene: In the pantry, above the sink, right next to my bottle of dick cream... Uh, wait, forget that last part.
Gary: Did you say dick cream?
Gene: No! I said next to my... stick... team, you know, stick team! Stickball! Go away, leave me alone!

You taste like a burger. I don't like you anymore.

Andy

Andy: You French great.
Lindsay: You're not so bad yourself, Mr. Man.

Swimming Kid: Andy, have you seen my swimming buddy? If I can't find him, I'm telling Beth that you let him drown.
Andy: I was busy!
Swimming Kid: It's your job to make sure kids don't drown!

Katie: Listen, Coop - last night was really great. You were incredibly romantic and heroic, no doubt about it. And that's great. But I've thought about it, and my thing is this: Andy is really hot. And don't get me wrong, you're cute too, but Andy is like, cut. From marble. He's gorgeous. He has this beautiful face and this incredible body, and I genuinely don't care that he's kinda lame. I don't even care that he cheats on me. And I like you more than I like Andy, Coop, but I'm 16. And maybe it'll be a different story when I'm ready to get married, but right now, I am entirely about sex. I just wanna get laid. I just wanna take him and grab him and fuck his brains out, ya know? So that's where my priorities are right now. Sex. Specifically with Andy and not with you.

Before we start, I'd just like to say the campers you're about to see suck dick! But nevertheless, please welcome them.

Susie

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