Chauffeur: So he says "My wife's a pain in the ass. She's always busting my friggin' agates. My daughter's married to a real loser bastard. And I got a rash so bad on my ass, I can't even sit down. But you know me. I can't complain."
The Dude: Fuckin' A, man. I got a rash, man.

Princess Fiona: [as ogre] Donkey, shh, shh. It's me... in this body.
Donkey: [gasps] Oh, my God, you ate the princess!

Piano Teacher: Not bad... Mr. Connors, you say this is your first lesson?
Phil: Yes, but my father was a piano MOVER, so...

The fact that my client has been ridden more than Seattle Slew is irrelevant.


[after being tortured by weed whacker] Who brings a weed wacker on a boat?

Drug Lord's First Hostage

Billy: Thomas, get me some water. My throat is parched.
Thomas: Do you want tap or Evian?
Billy: I don't know. Surprise me.

Miracle Max: Have fun stormin' da castle.
Valerie: Think it'll work?
Miracle Max: It would take a miracle.

Mr. Bialystock, I'm afraid you've mistaken me for someone with a spine.

Leo Bloom

I'm a thirty year old waiter/gigolo. Where's the future in that?


You changed my life. You changed my life, and I've known you four days. This is the start of something really big, but right now, I gotta go.

Andrew Largeman

Lt. Commander Block: Every aerial photo and recon report indicate a defensive arsenal in the D, and perhaps negative C, categories. There's also some anti-aircraft squadrons. They can send up an ack-ack umbrella high enough to make any attack ineffective.
Admiral Benson: I don't have a clue what you're talkin' about, Phil. Not a fucking clue. I have a shell the size of a fist in my head. Pork Chop Hill. The only way I can make this goddamn toupee to stay on is by magnetizing the entire upper left quadrant of my skull, so you just go ahead and do what you do.

Aunt Voula: Nikki, how come you no come to curler my hairs this morning?
Nikki: Ma! I had to drop Dimos at work. And now, I gotta go open the travel agency, because, you know, some jag-off and his big-ass girlfriend are too busy.

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