Popular Comedy Quotes
Like sands of the hourglass, so are the days of our lives.Socrates [speaking Greek]
Governor Tracy: I have heard the voice of the voters and the voters said...
[Mike is screaming for help while hanging from his underwear on a satellite dish]
Governor Tracy: ...Holy Shit?!
He is the sweetest guy. Have you ever looked into his eyes? It was like the first time I heard the Beatles.Seth
Billy Hoyle: You are so stupid. It would take your mother 1, no, 2 hours to watch 60 MINUTES.
Sidney Deane: Don't start that shit again.
TV Sports Announcer: [announcing basketball game on TV] 3 seconds left. The shot is up...
TV Narrator: [Peyton switches channel] Welcome to the magical world of ponies!
Catherine: Hi. I'm Catherine.
Uninterested Guy: I know. We just had sex five minutes ago
Penny Lane: How old are you?
William Miller: Eighteen.
Penny Lane: Me too! How old are we really?
William Miller: Seventeen.
Penny Lane: Me too!
William Miller: Actually, I'm sixteen.
Penny Lane: Me too. Isn't it funny? The truth just sounds different.
William Miller: I'm fifteen.
Emily: You like sugar, huh?
Buddy: Is there sugar in syrup?
Buddy: Then YES!
David Seville: [the boys are singing Funky Town] Hey guys, knock it off. It's 3 in the morning.
[Theodore and Simon stop, Alvin continues to sing]
David Seville: Alvin.
David Seville: Alvin.
David Seville: ALVIN!
Corky St. Clair: So what I'm understanding here - correct me, if I'm wrong - is that you're not givin' me... any money... so now I'm left basically with nothin', I'm... left with ZERO, in which, in which, what can I do with zero, you know? What can I... I can't do ANYTHIN' with it! I need to, this is my LIFE here we're talking about! We're not just talkin' about, you know, somethin' else, were talking about MY life, you know? And it's forcing me to do somethin' I don't wanna do. To leave. To, to go out and just leave and go home and say, make a clean cut here and say "no way, Corky, you're not puttin' up with these people!" And I'll tell you why I can't put up with you people: because you're BASTARD people! That's what you are! You're just bastard people! And I'm goin' home and I'm gonna... I'm gonna BITE MY PILLOW, is what I'm gonna do!
[singing] I feel pretty ... oh, so pretty ... oh, so pretty and witty and... gay.Dave Buznik
Donkey: Man, you gotta warn somebody before you crack one like that. My mouth was open and everything.
Shrek: Donkey, if that was me, you'd be dead. That's brimstone... we must be getting close
Donkey: Yeah, right, brimstone, don't be talking about no brimstone. I know what I smelt and it wasn't no brimstone and it didn't come off no stone neither.