Popular Comedy Quotes
David: Hey, Paula.
David: I gotta tell you something. I'm really excited about it. Uh, for the first time, today, I woke up, I came to the store, and I - I feel confident to say to you that if you don't take this Michael McDonald DVD - that you've been playing for two years straight - off, I'm going to kill everyone in the store and put a bullet in my brain!
Paula: David, what do you suggest we play?
David: I don't care. Anything! I would rather - I would rather watch "Beautician And The Beast". I would rather listen to Fran Drescher for eight hours than have to listen to Michael McDonald. Nothin' against him, but if I hear "Yah Mo B There" one more time, I'm going to Yah Mo Burn This Place To The Ground.
[looking at an anatomy model of a vagina] Where do you put the penis?Andy Stitzer
[about Andy telling Trish he's a virgin]
Andy Stitzer: What if she laughs at me?
Cal: Then you punch her in the fucking head.
There were two sides to that billboard, and they both hurt equally.Andy Stitzer
You've gotta wait till the seed grows into a plant. Then you've gotta fuck the plant.Cal
You know what's a fun game? Take 3 Excedrin PM's and see if you can whack off before you fall asleep. You always win, that's the best part about the game.Cal
Health Clinic Counselor: Oral sex play...
Boy at Health Clinic: Sounds like my Friday night.
Dad at Health Clinic: Oh, shut up Seth, we went to temple.
Shakari... the source... Heaven... Eden... call it what you will. The Klingons call it "Kuitu". For Romulans it's "Vortavor". The Andorian word is... is unpronouncable.Sybok
Kirk: What is this power you have to control the minds of my crew?
ybok: I don't control minds. I free them.
Damn it, Bones, you're a doctor. You know that pain and guilt can't be taken away with a wave of a magic wand. They're the things we carry with us, the things that make us who we are. If we lose them, we lose ourselves. I don't want my pain taken away! I need my pain!Kirk
I've always known I'll die alone.Kirk
Spock: He reminds me of someone I knew in my youth.
Bones: Why, Spock, I didn't know you had one.