Popular Comedy Quotes
Driving Instructor: In America, a woman can choose who she has sex with.
Jerry, enjoy my wife.Fletcher
Woman: [voiceover] How do you want me?
Man: Oh, that's good. Yeah. Just, uh... just get comfortable.
Woman: I'm a little nervous.
Man: Nah, you're doing great.
Ellen Griswold: I think I broke my nose.
Rusty Griswold: I stabbed my brain.
Audrey Griswold: I just got my period.
Darren MacElroy: I'm un-adopting you.
Darren MacElroy: Well, legally I'm disowning you.
Heywood leads the league in most offensive categories, including nose hair. When this guy sneezes, he looks like a party favor.Harry Doyle
Nun: You don't believe in God because of Alice in Wonderland?
Loki: No, "Through the Looking Glass". That poem, "The Walrus and the Carpenter" that's an indictment of organized religion. The walrus, with his girth and his good nature, he obviously represents either Buddha, or... or with his tusk, the Hindu elephant god, Lord Ganesha. That takes care of your Eastern religions. Now the carpenter, which is an obvious reference to Jesus Christ, who was raised a carpenter's son, he represents the Western religions. Now in the poem, what do they do... what do they do? They... They dupe all these oysters into following them and then proceed to shuck and devour the helpless creatures en masse. I don't know what that says to you, but to me it says that following these faiths based on mythological figures ensure the destruction of one's inner-being. Organized religion destroys who we are by inhibiting our actions... by inhibiting our decisions, out of... out of fear of some... some intangible parent figure who... who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says... and says, "Do it - Do it and I'll fuckin' spank you. "
We've never made great husbands, have we? Of course, I have a good excuse. I'm half gay.Alistair Hennessey
My mommy says Fanny's Burgers make kids fat and give you gas.Peyton Kelly
I am ready to parrrtyyy.Annie
Tugg Speedman: Now, let's go get those Viet Congs.
[cocks his gun]
Alpa Chino: "Viet Cong!"
Tugg Speedman: What?
Alpa Chino: It's "viet cong." There's no "s," it's already plural. You wouldn't say "Chineses..."
Rabbi Jake Schram: Oy.
Father Brian Finn: Amen to your oy.