James: Today is your training day. You got one day and one day only to show me what you got.
Ben: Bring it on.

Ben: You want the hammer?
Angela: I want the hammer.
Ben:Then go get the hammer.
[James, who was sitting in the dark, shines his flashlight on them, scaring them]
James: OK, enough of that nasty sh**.
Ben: Baby 9-1-1, call 9-1-1!!
[he pushes her, then trips and breaks a glass table]

[large flaming debris slams into the back window of James' car]
Ben: It’s probably still driveable though, because it happened in the back.
[the car explodes]
Ben: You can’t drive it now.

Shawn: LeBron is a better rebounder and passer.
Russell Gettis: LeBron will never beat Jordan. Call me when LeBron has six championships.
Shawn: That's your only argument?
Russell Gettis: It's the only argument I need Shawn!

Hello titties.

Elizabeth Halsey

Well, that's my spiel, as the Jews say.

Elizabeth Halsey

Did you know I walked in on him trying to fuck his dog? Peanut butter everywhere.

Elizabeth Halsey

[as she is being dragged away] You can check my urine! CHECK MY URINE! CHECK MY URINE!

Amy Squirrel

Shut the front door.

Amy Squirrel

Twilight, what did we talk about in class? Throw it through her, not at her.

Russell Gettis

Steven: Can I get a knife or fork?
Wench: There were no utensils in medieval times, hence there are no utensils AT Medieval Times. Would you like a refill on that Pepsi?
Steven: There were no utensils but there was Pepsi?
Wench: Dude, I got a lot of tables.

Free cable is the ultimate aphrodisiac.

Chip Douglas

FREE Movie Newsletter