Nick: You look like a turtle crawled out of his shell.
Lou: You look like an egg gave birth to another egg.
Nick: You look like Gandalf the poor.
Lou: You look like the least-popular kid in the cancer ward.
Nick: You look like you've never made a correct decision.
Jacob: Ever
Lou: I have definitely given a back alley b***job.
Jacob: I gotta admit. I kind of like this.
Nick: You look like Billy Zane's d***.

Patriot Lou, he looks like Captain Crunch had sex with Paul Revere.

Nick

Nick: Ready for another dip?
Lou: I think this time maybe I'll invent yoga pants.

Gordon, when you tell this story to your grandkids, you be sure to leave this part out.

Capt. James West

I want my real life to be as fun as the one I made up!

Doug Harris

Jimmy: Meet your groomsmen!
Doug Harris: These guys can not be my groomsmen. It looks like the entire cast of Goonies grew up and became rapists!

Rick Ford: You really think you're ready for the field? I once used defibrillators on myself. I put shards of glass in my fuckin' eye. I've jumped from a high-rise building using only a raincoat as a parachute and broke both legs upon landing; I still had to pretend I was in a fucking Cirque du Soleil show! I've swallowed enough microchips and shit them back out again to make a computer. This arm has been ripped off completely and re-attached with *this* fuckin' arm.
Susan Cooper: I don't know that that's possible... I mean medically...
Rick Ford: During the threat of an assassination attempt, I appeared convincingly in front of congress as Barack Obama.
Susan Cooper: In black-face? That's not appropriate.
Rick Ford: I watched the woman I love get tossed from a plane and hit by another plane mid-air. I drove a car off a freeway on top of a train while it was on fire. Not the car, *I* was on fire.
Susan Cooper: Jesus, you're intense.

I look like someone's homophobic aunt!

Susan Cooper

Rick Ford: We have to stop the sale of a nuclear bomb. They send in someone who looks like Santa Claus' fucking wife!
Susan Cooper: Uh, did you forget? I am undercover because you are not supposed to be here!
Rick Ford: Welln I make a habit out of doing things that people say I can't do!

Nothing kills me. I'm immune to 179 different types of poison. I know because I ingested them all at once when I was deep undercover in an underground poison-ingesting crime ring.

Rick Ford

Rick Ford: You're going to ruin this mission.
Susan Cooper: No, *you're* going to ruin this mission.
Rick Ford: No, you are.
Susan Cooper: No, you're going to!
Rick Ford: You... times infinity!

[rides a moped up a ramp] I AM SO BADASS!

Susan Cooper

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