Popular Comedy Quotes
What are you doing? It's a game of touch football, every time I look over you're on your ass again.John Beckwith
Claire Cleary: Are you OK?
John Beckwith: Yeah, I'm just swinging the jib for your dad, starboard.
Claire Cleary: But starboard's *this* way.
John Beckwith: That's right. What am I thinking? I'm used to sailing down under with the kiwis so everything's backwards and the toilets when you flush them, the water spins the opposite way. Really freaks you out the first time you see it.
Chazz Reinhold: So how's my protÃ©gÃ©?
John Beckwith: Jeremy, believe it or not, is getting married!
Chazz Reinhold: What? What an idiot! What a loser! Good! Good! More for you and me.
Jeremy Grey: How many times you gonna do this bullshit? Rule #32: never commit to a relative unless you're absolutely positive they have a pulse.
John Beckwith: Rule #16: give me an up-to-date family tree, that was your mistake, you just made me look like an idiot.
Jeremy Grey: Rule #76: No excuses. Play like a champion!
Father O'Neil: And now for our second reading I'd like to ask the bride's sister Gloria up to the lectern.
John Beckwith: 20 bucks First Corinthians.
Jeremy Grey: Double or nothing Colossians 3:12.
Gloria Cleary: And now a reading from Paul's first letter to the Corinthians.
Jeremy Grey: Gloria, I've been doing a lot of soul searching recently, and I think I'm ready to take this relationship, our relationship to the next level.
Gloria Cleary: Jeremy, I am so ready to take it to the next level.
Jeremy Grey: Really?
Gloria Cleary: Yeah. Do you want to watch me with another girl? How about those Brazilian twins we met at the ball game?
Jeremy Grey: I was thinking more along the lines of an engagement.
Gloria Cleary: Oh Jeremy, I do!
Jeremy Grey: I love you.
Gloria Cleary: I love you.
Jeremy Grey: Do you know what that awareness is, Gloria?
Gloria Cleary: What?
Jeremy Grey: That we're all one. That seperateness is an illusion, and that I'm one with everyone - with the Prime Minister of England, and my cousin Harry, you and me, the fat kid from 'What's Happening,' the Olsen twins, Natalie Portman, the guy who wrote 'Catcher in the Rye,' Nat King Cole, Carrot Top, Jay-Z, Weird Al Yankovic, Harry Potter, if he existed, the whore on the street corner, your mother. We're all one.
Gloria Cleary: You're really talented.
Jeremy Grey: I can go on all day. Last week I made, to scale, a balloon model of Wrigley Field. I don't have anywhere to put it.
Gloria Cleary: I'll have a sports car.
Jeremy Grey: How about a dance?
Gloria Cleary: That's what I really wanted.
Gloria Cleary: I've been thinking about what you said and I think the problem is that I'm not being adventurous enough for you.
Jeremy Grey: Gloria, I think that's the complete opposite of what I was saying.
John Beckwith: I have a better idea. Throw an interception to Claire, get her feeling good about herself. You think you can do that?
Jeremy Grey: John, I was first team All-State. I can put the ball anywhere I want to. I'll make it rain out here.
Jeremy Grey: Oh, that's great? Why don't you feed me to the lions? Step on my head when I am drowning.
John Beckwith: What?
Jeremy Grey: What do you mean what? What a great friend. John, you have a wedding and a reception to seal the deal. There's no overtime.
John Beckwith: No overtime. Yeah, well what about the Chang wedding three years ago. 2am, you drag me to watch you and some chick play Mah-Jongg with her grandmother? In a retirement home.
Jeremy Grey: Completely different situation. She was a very family-oriented girl.
John Beckwith: Yeah.
Jeremy Grey: That was my first Asian!
Share that with the Dalai Lama, jack ass!Jeremy Grey