Popular Comedy Quotes
Pedro: Do you think people will vote for me?
Napoleon Dynamite: Heck yes! I'd vote for you.
Pedro: Like what are my skills?
Napoleon Dynamite: Well, you have a sweet bike. And you're really good at hooking up with chicks. Plus you're like the only guy at school who has a mustache.
Ace: OK, all looks good, you know, you never really know until you check things out yourself.
Fulton Greenwall: Well, aren't you going to go investigate?
Ace: ITS DARK IN THERE... I MIGHT FALL INTO A PRECIPICE!
Veronica Sawyer: What the fuck?
Rodney: Ok, now I rarely listen to Neanderthals like Kurt Kelly but he said that he and Ram had a nice little sword fight in your mouth last night.
Veronica Sawyer: Ew! That son of a bitch.
Bethany: I don't want this, it's too big.
Metatron: That's what Jesus said. Yes, I had to tell him. And you can imagine how that hurt the Father - not to be able to tell the Son Himself because one word from His lips would destroy the boy's frail human form? So I was forced to deliver the news to a scared child who wanted nothing more than to play with other children. I had to tell this little boy that He was God's only Son, and that it meant a life of persecution and eventual crucifixion at the hands of the very people He came to enlighten and redeem. He begged me to take it back, as if I could. He begged me to make it all not true. And I'll let you in on something, Bethany, this is something I've never told anyone before... If I had the power, I would have.
Dr. P: There are two kinds of men in the world: those who run shit, like me, and those who eat shit, like you.
Jane Spencer: I feel like such a fool. I should have never doubted you.
Lt. Frank Drebin: There, there. You had no way of knowing the man you were dating was a vicious, murdering sociopath.
Claire: This is nice. Just two friends having dinner... no pressure.
Alvin: [the lights turn down, the stereo turns on; "Let's Get It On" begins to play] Boom chicka wow-wow, chicka wow-wow!
[whispering to Dave]
Alvin: Tell her she completes you!
Mac MacGuff: Who's the father?
Juno MacGuff: It's... it's Paulie Bleeker
Juno MacGuff: ... What?
Mac MacGuff: I didn't think he had it in him.
Leah: I know, right?
Lt. Frank Drebin: You know, sometimes I envy you and Edna. You have the same person every day for over 30 years. You wake up, eat with her, sleep with her. Make love to the same woman.
[Ed looks increasingly disgusted as Frank goes on]
Lt. Frank Drebin: You spend every possible waking moment together, while I'm out running around with a bunch of 20-year-olds who only want a good time and cheap sex sex sex. Girls who can't say no. Girls who can't get enough. "More, more, more. It's your turn now to wear the handcuffs...â€
[Ed starts foaming at the mouth... literally]
Lt. Frank Drebin: I just want love, Ed.
Ed Hocken: I'm sure you'll... find love, Frank.
Kelly: We need somebody who can take charge of this place, or else we and all these animals are gone.
Benjamin: So your question is...
Kelly: Why did you buy this place?
Benjamin: Why not?
Elizabeth Swann: It's real!
Norrington: You actually were telling the truth.
Jack Sparrow: I do that quite a lot. Yet people are always surprised.
Will Turner: With good reason.
Mark: Hey, vagina!
Andrew Largeman: Hey, what's up, guys? Uh, Sam, it's Mark, Dave, and you remember Jesse.
Dave: What's up?
Mark: Hey, nice to meet you. I'm sorry I said vagina just now. I didn't know you were here.
Sam: Oh, that's okay.
Mark: Nice. Let's get fucked up.