Popular Comedy Quotes
Napoleon Dynamite: Deb just called me. She pretty much hates me by now.
Napoleon Dynamite: Because my uncle Rico's an IDIOT.
Pedro: Do you have anything to give to her?
Napoleon Dynamite: No. Not unless she likes fish.
Champ Kind: The bottom line is you've been spending a lot of time with this lady, Ron. You're a member of the Channel Four News Team.
Ron Burgundy: That's a given.
Champ Kind: We need you. Hell, I need you. I'm a mess without you. I miss you so damn much. I miss being with you, I miss being near you. I miss your laugh. I miss your scent; I miss your musk. When this all gets sorted out, I think you and me should get an apartment together.
Brian Fantana: Take it easy, Champ. Why don't you stop talking for a while.
Ron Burgundy: Let's go to Brian Fantana who's live on the scene with a Channel 4 News exclusive. Brian?
Brian Fantana: Panda Watch. The mood is tense; I have been on some serious, serious reports but nothing quite like this. I uh... Ching... King is inside right now. I tried to get an interview with him, but they said no, you can't do that he's a live bear, he will literally rip your face off.
[to the Panda]
Brian Fantana: Hey, you're making me look stupid. Get out of here, Panda Jerk.
Ron Burgundy: Everyone just relax, all right? Believe me, if there's one thing Ron Burgundy knows, it's women.
Brian Fantana: I don't know, Ron.
Ron Burgundy: Guess what, I do. I know that one day Veronica and I are gonna to get married on top of a mountain, and there's going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And we will dance till the sun rises. And then our children will form a family band. And we will tour the countryside and you won't be invited.
Oh, Ron, there are literally thousands of men that I should be with instead, but I am 72 percent sure that I love you.Veronica Corningstone
Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Burgundy, I'm a professional, and I would like to be able to do my job.
Ron Burgundy: Big deal. I am very professional.
Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Burgundy, you are acting like a baby.
Ron Burgundy: I'm not a baby, I am a man. I am an anchorman.
Veronica Corningstone: You are not a man. You are a big fat joke.
Ron Burgundy: I'm a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That's what kind of man I am. You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science.
Veronica Corningstone: I will have you know that I have more talent and more intelligence in my little finger than you do in your entire body, sir.
Ron Burgundy: You are a smelly pirate hooker.
Veronica Corningstone: You look like a blueberry.
Ron Burgundy: Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island?
Veronica Corningstone: Well, you have bad hair.
Ron Burgundy: I can't believe you did this to me. You read my news.
Veronica Corningstone: I told you that I wanted to be an anchor. I told you that.
Ron Burgundy: I thought you were kidding. I thought it was a joke, I even wrote it down in my diary. "Veronica had a very funny joke today." I laughed at it later that night.
Veronica Corningstone: I can't believe that I cared for you.
Ron Burgundy: Get out. Just go. We are through. Through. Because of your actions, you scorpion woman.
Veronica Corningstone: You have broken my heart, Mr. Burgundy. You have broken my heart.
I'm in a glass case of emotion.Ron Burgundy
Loud noises!Brick Tamland
[after jumping into the grizzly bear pit at the San Diego Zoo] I immediately regret this decision.Ron Burgundy
[to Veronica Corningstone] I'm gonna shoot you with a BB gun when you're not looking. Yep, back of the head.Ron Burgundy
It's so damn hot... milk was a bad choice.Ron Burgundy