Miranda: Well, come on Liz, I mean look, I don't know, what's going on with your hair here? It's like a science experiment back there. And I know you own contacts, you know. And you're wearing plastic shoes and, I mean, what's this shirt even made of?
Liz: It's flax.
Miranda: See, isn't that a food? You're wearing food!

[during her "No Penis Intended" comedy routine after the nominations] Yes, I suppose I'll forgive him... in HELL! HA HA HA HA!

Callie Webb

Travis: I joined this program and there's steps. There's... uh...
Cher: Twelve?
Travis: Yeah, how'd you know?
Cher: Wild guess.

Ned Flanders: Ok, boys, when you meet Jesus, be sure to call Him Mr. Christ.
Todd Flanders: Will Buddha be there?
Ned Flanders: No.

Dave Harken: You options are.
Dale Arbus: Legal options.
Dave Harken: JACK SHIT.
Dale Arbus: I heard Jack Lebowitz is that an attorney I'm going to write that down Jack Lebowitz.
Kurt Buckman: Got to be can we get his contact info please.

Two weeks, in fuckin Bruge. With you? No way.


Cher: Been shopping with Dr. Suess?
Dionne: Well at least I wouldn't skin a collie to make my back pack.
Cher: It's faux.

Billy Madison: I swear to God I'm sick. I can't go to school.
Juanita: If you're gonna stay home today, you can help me shave my armpits.
Billy Madison: Oh my God. I'll go to school.

You better take care of me, Lord. If you don't you're gonna have me on your hands.

Raoul Duke

Steven: I have this friend and he gave his cable guy $50 and then he got all the movie channels for free. You ever hear of anything like that?
Chip Douglas: [Walks slowly towards Steven] You mean illegal cable?
Steven: Um... Yeah.
Chip Douglas: Who told you that? What is his name? I want it.
Steven: Just forget it.
Chip Douglas: You're offering me a bribe. What you have just done is illegal and in this state, if convicted, you could be fined up to $5,000 or spend six months in a correction facility!
Steven: No, please, that was dumb. I was just making conversation. Forget it.
Chip Douglas: [Bursts out laughing] I'm just jerking your chain! Ha ha ha. The look on your face! Ha ha, you are too easy!
[Laughs harder]
Chip Douglas: Wake up, little snoozy. Smell the smelling salts? Ha ha ha. I'll juice ya up.

I know they were just kids, but we kicked their pube-less asses!


Jackie: Lula, a snack?
Lula: You always complainin'. It's hot. I'm hungry.

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