Popular Comedy Quotes
Steven: You know, my brother is a speech therapist.
Chip Douglas: Tho?
Claire Standish: You know why guys like you knock everything?
John Bender: Oh, this should be stunning.
Claire Standish: It's because you're afraid.
John Bender: Oh God, you richies are so smart, that's exactly why I'm not heavy into activities.
Claire Standish: You're a big coward.
Brian Johnson: I'm in the math club.
Claire Standish: See, you're afraid that they won't take you, you don't belong, so you have to just dump all over it.
John Bender: Well, it wouldn't have anything to do with you activities people being assholes, now would it?
Claire Standish: Well, you wouldn't know, you don't even know any of us.
John Bender: Well, I don't know any lepers, but I'm not going to run out and join one of their fucking clubs.
Andrew Clark: Hey. Let's watch the mouth, huh?
Brian Johnson: I'm in the physics club too.
A is for Awesome.Olive Penderghast
Love knows nothing of rank or river bank.William Shakespeare
Have you ever had a whitehead on your eyeball, Mary?Dom
Annie Savoy: These are the ground rules. I hook up with one guy a season. Usually takes me a couple weeks to pick the guy - kinda my own spring training. And, well, you two are the most promising prospects of the season so far, so I just thought we should kinda get to know each other.
Crash Davis: Time out. Why do you get to choose?
Annie Savoy: What?
Crash Davis: Why do you get to choose? I mean, why don't I get to choose, why doesn't he get to choose?
Annie Savoy: Well, actually, nobody on this planet ever really chooses each other. I mean, it's all a question of quantum physics, molecular attraction, and timing. Why, there are laws we don't understand that bring us together and tear us apart. Uh, it's like pheromones. You get three ants together, they can't do dick. You get 300 million of them, they can build a cathedral.
[on condoms] Well, they're safer than a tube sock...Jim's Dad
I'll see you at the opera tonight. I'll hold your seat till you get there. After you get there you're on your own.Rufus T. Firefly
Looks like we're gonna have to make a cameo at the Val party.Cher
Marge Gunderson: Say Lou, did ya hear the one about the guy who couldn't afford personalized plates so he went and changed his name to J3L2404?
Lou: Yah, that's a good one.
Woody: [yelling through the heat duct] Buzz, help.
Stinky Pete the Prospector: It's too late, Woody. That silly old Buzz Lightweight can't help.
Woody: His name is Buzz Lightyear.
Stinky Pete the Prospector: Whatever. I always hated those upstart space toys.
Jacob: This is scientifically possible!
Nick: Tell us how it's scientifically possible, Professor Hawking.
Jacob: I will, 'cause I write Stargate fan fiction; this is my bread and butter, man!
Nick: Oh my God, I seriously almost passed out you're such a dork.