Popular Comedy Quotes
Thorny: Now Officer Rabbit and I are going to stand here while the three of you smoke the whole bag.
College Kid: Please, no?
Milton Waddams: Excuse me? Excuse me, senor? May I speak to you please? I asked for a mai tai, and they brought me a pina colada. And I said no salt, NO salt on the margarita, but it had salt on it, big grains of salt, floating in the glass...
Mexican Waiter: Lo siento mucho, senor... [Under his breath] Pinche gringo.
Milton Waddams: [as waiter walks away] And yes, I won't be leaving a tip, 'cause I could... I could shut this place down. Sir? I'll take my traveler's checks to a competing resort. I could write a letter to your nation's board of tourism and I could have this place condemned. I could put... I could put... strychnine in the guacamole. There was salt on the glass, BIG GRAINS of salt.
Peter Gibbons: Doesn't it bother you that you have to get up in the morning and you have to put on a bunch of pieces of flair?
Joanna: Yeah, but I'm not about to go in and start taking money from the register.
Peter Gibbons: Well, maybe you should. You know, the Nazis had pieces of flair that they made the Jews wear.
What am I gonna do with 40 subscriptions to Vibe?Peter Gibbons
We'll be getting rid of these people here... First, Mr. Samir Naga... Naga... Naga... Not gonna work here anymore, anyway. [laughs]Bob Porter
[pounding steering wheel] Mother... shitter... Son of an... ass. I just...Samir
Oh, and next Friday is Hawaiian shirt day. [silence] So, you know, if you want to you can go ahead and wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans.Bill Lumbergh
Mr. Lumbergh told me to talk to payroll and payroll told me to talk to Mr. Lumbergh and I still have not received my paycheck and they moved my desk to storage room B and there was... garbage on it.Milton Waddams
Michael Bolton: You were supposed to come in Saturday. What were you doing?
Peter Gibbons: Michael, I did nothing. I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything I thought it could be.
I can't believe what a bunch of nerds we are. We're looking up "money laundering" in the dictionary.Peter Gibbons
[as Peter leaves to confess to Lumbergh] Peter... watch out for your cornhole, man.Lawrence
[drunk, rapping] Back up in your ass with the resurrection!Samir